I pray for a BETTER SAFER SA

I am human, african, a sister, a friend and then I am lesbian

I am an African lesbian

Covered by the scars of yesterday

Wounded by the words of the tribe once perceived superior

I am an African

I am a product of yesterday

I speak English with no accent; I paint not myself with make up

I look like my foremothers

Skin so dark, body so thick you can never mistaken me for anything else but African

Defied what was and is biblical I fell in love with my kind

Had my foremothers talking, had the congregation praying, had the pastor praying

They disown me but still I remain, the African child who is lesbian

I am now defined by my sexual preferences and not by the grounds on which I was born

they hurl at me words of insults in the hope that I will run to the Adams of the world

They harm me, rape me, stab me saying they want to give birth to the woman in me

when was I ever not a woman?
They wanna cure me they say

How does my love for the Eves of the nation translate to my being ill?

I am not a health status, I am just a girl who fell in love with a girl

Congregations cast me out as if I am some demon, saying I am an abomination to mankind, that I shame the African culture

I am an un-African they say

Amidst the insults and curses

I remain

African

And then

Lesbian

©S Phohleli 2012-03-19

The morning after tales
Please don't come any closer I might just kiss you...and you might like it and we might not stop and we will be filled with the ‘and then one thing led to another’ regret

Sorry I didn’t say the words you wanted to hear

I’m not blind to see all that you do and all that you become when I am around I just choose not to see

I’m not deaf to your silent cries I just choose not to listen

I see your dying desire to hold me when I walk past you

Tempted to stop and let you hold me but I go

You become so uneasy when our eyes lock as you know I can decipher the language they speak

They speak me and I am not listening

"Love Faces"

When I met you woman
I couldn't help but notice a face so beautiful
Now imagine, the faces you'd make if we ever made love
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

Pulled up in the drop top Benz
Hit the horn two times and you walked outside (mmmhmm)
Dress keep hugging them thighs
And the only thing inside my mind is (mmmhmmm)
I want you
Yes I do, and if there's anything you suggest I do
Then tell me

Now we all in the crib on my sofa
Girl I'm so glad you came over
I wanna tell you 'come closer'
But I don't know if you feel, like I feel
Tell me girl

Don't it feel good when I touch on it
Wouldn't it be nice if all night I was in you
Come kiss me, come with me
Down the hall to my bedroom
Tonight we'll be

Making love faces, making love faces
Shadows on the wall while the candles burnin'
Messin' up the bed while you sweatin' out your perm and
Making love faces, making love faces
My hands rubbin' on your skin
Let's go hard don't hold it in

Girl let me wrap my hands around you (hands around you, hands around you)
So happy every since I found you
Just like a kid who found some candy
Let me feel and find your panties

Take 'em off take em off take em off
Take 'em off please
Oh down on my knees
Ohh, You're right in front of me
Don't have to pay for my attention
Can you hear me is you listenin?
Baby be real with me
I wanna know

Don't it feel good when I touch on it
Wouldn't it be nice if all night I was in you
Come kiss me, come with me
Down the hall to my bedroom
Tonight we'll be

Making love faces, making love faces
Shadows on the wall while the candles burnin'
Messin' up the bed while you sweatin' out your perm and
Making love faces, making love faces
My hands rubbin' on your skin
Let's go hard don't hold it in

The way you bite your lip
Is that your way of tellin' me you like it?
Mmhmm, if I'm the best you ever had girl in your life
Say mmhmm, and when your eyes roll back in your head
Shakin' your legs
Mmhmm, mmhmm, that's what she said

Making love faces, making love faces
Shadows on the wall while the candles burnin'
Messin' up the bed while you sweatin' out your perm and
Making love faces, making love faces
My hands rubbin' on your skin
Let's go hard don't hold it in, love faces

[Trey]

Shiiiiaaaatttttt!!

in my next life time, my ex-girlfriends will be:

1) Storm
2) Toloane
3) Gabi
4) Rae
5) Summer


--- my wife will be Ginger


and I will be Melo

in my after life, I want my girlfriend's name to be Ginger & I want to be Melo

Our song

Tell me how you love me more
And how you think Im sexy baby
That you dont want nobody else
You dont want this guy you dont want that guy you wanna
Touch yourself when you see me
Tell me how you love my body
And how I make you feel baby
You wanna roll with me you wanna hold with me
You wanna stay warm and get out of the cold with me
I just love to hear you say it
It makes a man feel good baby
Tell me you depend on me
I'm lost without you
Cant help myself
How does it feel
to know that I love u baby
I need to hear it

{Yes you guessed it right - it is Robin Thicke}

Her name is TAE

http://brklynbreed.tumblr.com/

Visions through words unspoken ....The language of the hearts entwined

The one beautiful mystery about love is that you must see people that are in love without them actually telling you that they are....

Inked poetic rhymes

 

In silence words sought refuge,

banging through the chest of my pen seeking release

I obliged as I let the ink of my words find acquaintance with the paper

Together we wrote tales of what was, is and will be

We tapped together to the melodies sung by the heart, to the heart and for the heart

We spoke rhymes as poetry now described our union

We brought to light the confessions of a lonely pen

We collectively explored the mysteries of a poetic soul

We told the tales of words unshared, skins untouched, wounds still raw and stories untold

We told stories of yesterday with no fear of prejudice as today gave freedom to tomorrow

Tomorrow was near and she had a plan, a plan to fulfil promises of yesterday,

therefore tomorrow was worth fighting for

We sheltered in inked tears, tapping to words yet to find liberation through rhymes, told of visions only seen in dreams with intentions to link heaven and earth

© S Phohleli 2012/03/19

Who knew that fingers could satisfy a hungry soul? we learn something everyday

·         Coming out at home was easy

Mom actually laughed thinking I was joking, and then she realized I wasn’t joking so she stopped laughing and then she started dealing and now she has dealt with this life so foreign to her world. She still asks me about grandchildren and then I tell her we will adopt but she is against it, I am sort of forced to do this In Vitro thing so I guess I will be pregnant and fat *eeuw*

She is also okay with the marriage thing, YAY but has asked me to not embarrass her (yes she is very religious and the community knows her for this), she asked if we could just go sign at Home affairs and if we want a big wedding, we can do it in Durban where my partner stays and she will be there

My mom is every lesbian dream mother and I am blessed. For her to put my happiness first humbles me. This thing, as she calls it, is something she is not used to and her willingness to learn it with me brings me to tears

·         Coming out at church

Erhmm *clears throat* so that will NOT happen....Just not (nor will I ever be) ready to be a prayer item

S(h)e Loves Me - Jill Scott

You love me especially different every time
You keep me on my feet happily excited
By your cologne, your hands, your smile, your intelligence
You woo me, you court me, you tease me, you please me
You school me, give me some things to think about
Ignite me, you invite me, you co-write me, you love me, you like me
You incite me to chorus, ooh
Ooh...

You love me especially different every time
You keep me on my feet happily excited
By your cologne, your hands, your smile, your intelligence
You woo me, you court me, you tease me, you please me
You school me, give me things to think about
Invite me, you ignite me, co-write me, you love me, you like me
Incite me to chorus

You're different and special
You're different and special in every way imaginable
You love me from my hair follicles to my toenails
You got me feeling like the breeze, easy and free and lovely and new
Oh when you touch me I just can't control it
When you touch me, I just can't hold it
The emotion inside of me, I can feel it

Silent crushes

She's my type

       if the heavens were fair

            I'd be her type too

The Sunday melodies of The SOIL

"It was a Sunday, ubuhle bakhe took my breath way..."



"I hope to see her someday"



"You are the only one, abekh'abanye"

Broken pieces - Apocalyptica

Too late - this is not the answer

I need to pack in

I can't pull your heart together

With just my voice alone

One thousand shards of glass

I came to meet you in

You cut the peace out of me

And as you ripped it all apart,

That's when I turned to watch you

And as the light in you in the dark

I saw you turn to shadow

If you would salvage some part of you that once new love

But I'm loosing this

And I'm loosing you

Oh I've gotta turn and run

From faces that you never see

Oh I've gotta save my blood

From all that you broken

Pack up these pieces of me

It's too late now to stop the process

This was your choice - you let it in

This double life you lead is eating you up from within

One thousand shards of glass you pushed beneath my skin

And left me lying there to bleed

And as you showed me your scars

I only held you closer

But as the light in you went dark I saw you turning over

I wanted always to be there for you and close to you

But I'm loosing this

And I'm loosing you

Oh I've gotta turn and run

From faces that you never see

Oh I've gotta save my blood

From all that you broken

Pack up these pieces of me

From broken pieces

Pack up these pieces of me

From broken pieces

Pack up these pieces

Maybe without me

You'll return to all the beauty I once knew

But if I stay I know

We will both be drowned by you holding onto me

Oh I've gotta turn and run

From faces that you never see

Oh I've gotta save my blood

From all that you broken

Pack up these pieces of me

From broken pieces

Pack up these pieces of me

From broken pieces

Pack up these pieces of me

Gotye - Hearts a mess...

Pick apart
The pieces of your heart
And let me peer inside
Let me in
Where only your thoughts have been
Let me occupy your mind
As you do mine

Your heart’s a mess
You won’t admit to it
It makes no sense
But I’m desperate to connect
And you, you can’t live like this

You have lost
(Too much love)
To fear, doubt and distrust
(It’s not enough)
You just threw away the key
(To your heart)

You don’t get burned
(’Cause nothing gets through)
It makes it easier
(Easier on you)
But that much more difficult for me
To make you see…

Love ain’t fair
So there you are
My love

Your heart’s a mess
You won’t admit to it
It makes no sense
But I’m desperate to connect
And you, you can’t live like this

Your heart’s a mess
You won’t admit to it
It makes no sense
But I’m desperate to connect
And you, you can’t live like this

Love ain’t safe
You won’t get hurt if you stay chaste
So you can wait
But I won't waste my love

I would stop my world just so yours can function

I would stop breathing just so you can live

I would place myself in harm’s way just so you can be safe

I would sing you a million tunes just so you can appreciate the power of harmonious melodies

I would splatter on you a million words of affection just so you can believe in love

Skeletons in my closet

A pre-heart attack is when you feel your pocket and you do not feel your blackberry

A heart attack is when you look over your shoulder and you see your partner with it and it is NOT locked

Thank Gawd I do not DRINK

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you 

                      to phone them @ 4am in the morning

                      Do not, I repeat, DO NOT drunk dial....

tell a friend to tell a friend that The_Siza_Rai is straight into girls

Gay Kinda Love

The Gay Kinda Love

Love so gay, we became a product of homosexuality

They pray for us as if we need deliverance

We are not a situation nor are we a health hazard

We are just two women deeply buried in each other’s souls that we can’t help but fall in love

Dear Monday

Findings from the weekend

Life is one big fuck hole that spits cum every other second

........ How blissfully sublime

People think that homosexuality is like currency that can be converted whenever they see fit, go be a watch tower somewhere else and play soul conversions on other people

The fat girl invasions

So like my old closest friend recently ditched me so she can date a fat girl.....

Viola!!! Life is magical, in a fucked up lonely kinda way

:( sadly dealing with this great loss

|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 98% (progress)

cries of the fat girl

“I’m not fat, I’m chubby”, says my friend Nkateko (http://cinnaclouds.tumblr.com/)

 I take it, chubby is the new fat, ahem sooo what’s the old fat?

Girls Pain Rules

Another unanswered prayer

Boy am I unlucky

Happy Friday

Another weekend without you :(

Another proof that life is shit

Another confirmation that my weekend will be shit-tier

Another possibility that God cares less about me

Life is just a great bundle of misery

Friday has finally came
now waiting for 16:30 with great impatience
and then I am outta this shit

How I wish time could go back to when sorry meant just that

the thoughts of what could have

If yesterday came back, I would ask for the day before it and if tomorrow came I would ask for Yesterday

I, not disrespecting those who behave in this manner, don't see the need to explain to people how me and my girl fuck, what we use and how we use it, if at all. I refuse to splatter the details of my intimacy out in the public just so people could learn to accomodate me while laughing at me as they fail to understand my world

The heavenly plea

Dear Creativity provider

 I, sometimes like today, yesterday, tomorrow, the day after, and forever, don't feel creative in the least.

I read other people's stuff, find myself spiritually, physically, psychologically and mentally wrapped in them, sometimes be them if not enhance them in my mind

I, bashfully and fully submerged with shame, go back to my rhymes and know with certainty that no one can get lost in this shit

Where do people get so much depth that I seem to plainly lack?

Daddy God, can’t you be so kind and make fall on just one drop of it and I promise I will use it wisely.

All I am asking for, hopefully it’s not beyond the heaven’s provision, is to be a creative slut.

Yours in creative need
The_Siza_Rai

Today is after yesterday and before tomorrow

but it feels worse than all these days,

Yes I have sadly but safely (to counter disappointment) already made my conclusion about tomorrow and I know for sure that today will remain the queen of pain

This is making me want to go back to yesterday while I pray that tomorrow stays where it is, tomorrow.

Maybe if I lived today just long enough, I will use up all the pain destined for tomorrow

© S Phohleli 2012/03/16

If God had a name and I had just one question to ask him....

I would ask why he left me

If God had a face, I don't think I would want to look him in the eye

Now I understand why other people believe in the gods and not in God!!! 

Even God will leave you

I have always believed that there is a God, I have met a lot of people who believed in this God so my faith in his existence and what he can do grew stronger.

I read his book called the bible and I believed in him more and more, as crazy as it may sound, I felt him inside me, I felt him in my thoughts, I saw him in my dreams and I saw him in my life, I have never really seen his face but things happening around me were enough to convince me that he is and was around me somehow.

Now I dont feel him around anymore, I dont hear him talk to me anymore, I dont feel him in my spirit anymore, he is gone and he left no one to care for me

I feel somewhat crazy, I can't have made up all the things that proved his existence

He is gone and he left me behind

I need someone to believe in

Who knew that even God would leave?

My bucket of faith is leaking

             I am slowly running out

And it’s okay, I’m Okay

I battle with myself asking for release from these feelings
They won't go away
I keep thinking that time will take them away

I keep hoping you can see the wreck you have made of my world
I keeping hoping that perhaps I've become a misery to you like I have become of you

© S Phohleli 2012/03/16

How do I put to words the heights to which you once made my heart leap?
So surreal you made me believe in the heavens
You made my heart dance for life when your presence clouded my space
We kissed, caressed and made love, together we became untouchable
Together we were untouchable, inseparable, together we were absorbed into one, you were my world, I was your world, our souls spoke of one as if we were born of one
You were my ticket to heaven
You were my heaven on earth
You made of me a believer
I believed in the power of two
How two souls can be so tangled in each other's soul they became one
Together we were one
Buhlebandalo, sana lwam, Nzwanekazi, san'olubomvu I beg of you to create within me once more a believer
Resurrect within me the dancer you once made of my heart
I await your love to give rise to what was once us

© S Phohleli 2012/03/16

I think i am in danger of being RI-Crushed

AMBER ROSE Complexed

and Kanye had to ruin this PIC.... so i'll fix my eyes on the Rose

We all have tales we will never tell!!!

Love Is Something Else

it makes of us creatures we never thought we would become...

we get so wrapped up in our emotions, selfishly happy, thinking ONLY of 'I',

that we don't calculate with accuracy the risks of letting what we feel known...
we become too attached to what we feel that we detach ourselves of the reality of life...
the love that we feel has no guarantee of being reciprocated that after we have burped out the words seeking refuge we are slapped with "I don't like you like that" and
then we say love doesn't love us...

© S Phohleli 2012/03/14

We spend our days in love planning for the days when we would fall out of love...we have words perfect to describe the most broken of souls yet we would stutter if we were asked to explain the heights to which love once took us

Wild Young and Free

Fucker

Dear Stupid

Sincerely Siza

Wena ulapho, mna ndiphaya

Wena ulapho, mna ndiphaya

Ukuba wawungandixelelanga

Ngeba uvele wafela ngaphakanti

Ngeba uvele wangalila

Ngeba awomagama othando wawagcina ngaphakathi kuwe wangandazisi

Wona ngokundixelela ukuba awulali ndim, ngoba ngoku ndizifumana ndicingana nawe

Ukundixela ukuba uzifumana uvalelekile entliziyweni yam kundenza ndifune ukukukhulula

Ndifuna ukukuthulisa ndikubambe ndikwenze wonwabe

Ndizifumana ndibizana nawe emaphumeni, nontombi uphi na?
Ekubeni ndazi mhlophe ukuba asimo asiyikusivumela, mna ndilapha, wena uphaya
Ngeba ndazenza impuphuthe, ndenze ngathi andiboni ukuchitheka kwenyembezi zakho
Ndiyaqonda ukuba waziva uphuphuma ngamagaba awayefuna inkululeko kuwe
Ndiyazi wawugcwala ziinyembezi xa ucingana nesimo othe wazifumana ukuso
Thinca ndiziva ndiphuphuma luyolo xa ndithi ndidibane nawe kwezongcinga
Ndizibamba bamba, ndithi sana lwam ndingowakho, ndenze isigqila sakho, zonwabise ngalomzimba wam
Ndizibona ndiqhekeka luncumo xa uthe wavela ebusweni bam ndlela zonke
San’oluhle ndikhulule
Ndenze ndibemsulwa, njengedlela owandifumana ngayo
Ndizifumana ndisesonweni xa ndithe ndacingana nawe, ndizifumana ndikwingcinga ezindishiya ndifuna uqobo lwakho
Ndicinga izinto azinga sokuze zenzeke ngenxa yesimo endizifumana ndikuso, wena ulapho, mna ndiphaya, sahlukaniswa ziindonga zobom
Ndizifumana ndicingana nawe maxesh’athile, maxesh’onke, busuku bonke, mini zonke
Uchulumanco lwafumana ikhaya kum xa ndidibana nawe, uloyiko luyandihlasela xa ndicinga ubungabikho kwakho
San'olubomvu ndikhulule, ndikhuphe kwezintsizi, buya ekhaya siqale usapho, undakhele landlukazi
Ndenze ndibemsulwa Nzwanekazi
Luphi umonde ebunzimeni obungaka endizifumana ndikubo
Ndikhulule buhle bezulu
Ndingxengxeza nezinyanya zakowena, buya ekhaya buhle nendalo, ndophukile
Mna ndilapha, wena uphaya
Buya sana lwam, ndonakele

© Sizakele Phohleli 05/03/2012

After All's said and done

Maybe I should cry
Just so you can see how in anguish I am that I can't seem to make your world whole
Maybe I should break down
Just so you can see how wrecked I am because you are wrecked
Maybe I should stop dreaming
Just so you can see just how much I love being in your dreams
Maybe I should give in
Just so you can see how perfect holding on to you, us, made me feel
But I won't
You have poured onto me words of hope
Words so beautiful, regret is the word that has found no home in me
How I wish I could be your Hercules and carry you away from all that aches
How I wish I could dry all your tears away
Hold you so tight that misery becomes a stranger
How I wish I could kiss you so beautifully your life automatically translates magic
How I wish I can mend your broken heart and give you the hope you have blessed me with
All that's found home in us of late is war
Every word uttered leads to world war II
I don't know what you want to say
I don't know what I want to say
I've stepped into a state of befuddles
So confused at the fact that I have so much beauty to shower with but I can't seem to do or say right by you

You drive me up the wall; I have more than once pulled my hair out strand by strand owing to you

Have made me cry words so stained I wanted to hurt you

Have made me crazy with fury because you talk too much

Have had dreams of shoving my foot down your throat so you can stop talking the shit you speak so lightly

In all the rage and tears no one can make me happy like you do

No one completes my dreams like you do

You have made me royalty by virtue of your love

After all’s said and done, your arms remain my hiding place

Place so warm that all that aches sprints away when your presence cloud my place

You are my refuge, that very being whose existence has made my own existence possible

                                                                                                                      © Sizakele Phohleli 05/03/2012

Lovely Thighs