The Marathon

All I want is lay with you
Converse with you
Be caressed to slumber with the sweet tone of your voice I call my lullaby
Bask in your presence in silence
Hear your heart beat
Make it beat faster as we engage in sexual celebrations
Feel my hands slip on your wet skin as you and I dance to the music made by our bodies
Make you murmur words you don't want me to hear
They sound so foreign, I don't have to hear them, I wanna make you come undone,
I want to be inside of you, making you grab me, push me away, pull me closer, seeking release from this punishment I give to you so beautifully
I make you scream, angrily happy as you tell me more baby more, we engage in sexual arguments,
I can see the passionate sexual fury in your eyes, I can hear the sexual rage in your voice.
I wanting to punish you even further make slow the pace until you beg, "baby please"
I caress, touch violently knowing you are pleased, grabbing you to me, I tease you, you whisper “baby don’t do that to me, please don’t make me stop”

I, holding you like a conversation, go inside you so skilfully I hear you cry telling me “baby I like it, ahhhh right there, baby ahhhh just like that, More More More”

I ride you like a roller coaster, making no stops, needing no stops until you, I, we come... in unison

©S Phohleli 2012-04-10

She still makes me blush and we’ve been at this for donkey years, what’s up with that????

So Amazing

My lady just brought me lunch at work...how romantic...

...ahhhh but I am one blessed soul

You and I in one room, under the same sheets, unclothed, doors shut, music on ....and you expect me not to want you???

It just doesn't work like that lady, it just doesn't

What if the pussy that got away came back?

Washed away

We didn't really talk about your moving away

But I felt it was gonna happen, the way things were going on I felt the brutal cold piercing breeze of change nearer

The storms came and washed you away from my sight

I cry for your return when the night falls, linger for your touch at noon, yearn for your presence always

Now things aren't the way they used to be

I feel robbed, I feel lonely, and I feel lost

There are so many things I wish I could say

So many wrongs I want to make right

So many opportunities of loving you I want to make most of

Too many could haves, would haves, should haves

But now you are gone

We are only connected by the wires of the phone, and that’s just not fair

Been gone too long that even your scent has departed from the sheets

The shadows of your smiles are fading away

'cause you are gone

© S Phohleli 2012-04-05

didn't stick around because you asked me to

I stayed because there was nothing else that best filled the hunger in my heart

any excuse to give a fuck

I just wanna have those out of nowhere stupid serious arguments that always lead to fucking

I can take every pain in the world but I can't stand to see her cry
when she cries I cry, i cry because she never cries, she is the strongest woman in the world
so when she cries, it tears me apart as it means she is really pained and I'm not even there to hold her and tell her it's gonna be okay.

Tonight's the night - Lady is coming home

Someone’s coming home tonight

She decided to take the afternoon bus just to make me miss her some more

And boy do I miss her

Can’t wait for her to enter our home

I will jump on her like some demented dog

I just wanna be close to her,

... Talk to her, see her smile,

... See her get pissed over stupid things,

... Fight with her for watching wrestling and paying less attention to me,

... seduce her while she is watching her favourite show on TV knowing she can't say no, she's as much of a sex junkie as I am,

... Have her hold me throughout the night,

... Wake her at 3 in the morning asking her for sex, her irritated yet "let's do it" voice is just priceless

... Oh but my lady snores and uhmmm farts like a pig, in my case love is deaf...lmao

... And stupid me I still love her, LOL

I care

How do I not show care?

When you making everything alright by virtue of your presence

Soothing every ache by your mere voice

Resurrecting my deceased hope with just your touch

You came into my life with intentions to have me know your feelings for me live

Bruised and battered as you are, without harness you offered me your heart

Sadly shared with you the news of my reality and all my ties

Yet you remained rooted in me

Could have called you daft but I chose to call you brave

How do you pleasure in having your claws buried in the pits of my soul when my heart might never be wholly yours?

Yesterday Blues

I am a member of a group called “poetic design”, it’s a Facebook page. So the people are utterly gifted in this group, they make me feel like my writing is for kindergarden children, about 99.9% of my poetry is about personal experiences or close encounters with the theme in question and the things these people write about are astounding and remarkable and mature, my prayer to God still remains, I want him to make of me a poetry slut or a words-whore, whatever he is able to give me really. Anyway enough about the background check because it’s not at all my focus for writing this note. Someone asked a very fascinating question on poetic design and the question was: Why is it that most writers struggle to write love poems but when love brings pain, poetry flows endlessly? I think when we are in love, no matter how buried we may be in our lovers souls, we are constantly planning the exit strategy, we deal with love lost while still in love, I think we do this just to protect ourselves and to maybe fool ourselves into thinking it’s not going to hurt that much. When that dreadful moment finally comes and we have to wave so long to what once made us leap to incredible heights, we are ready, words armed to describe the feelings, to label pain and to act victims. We programme ourselves to forget what love once meant to us so we can deal with what now is, forgetting that as painful as love now is, it doesn’t disappear overnight, with pride or shame, we still bear the footprints of love and we pain because love still echoes in our heart. We don’t hurt because love is gone, we pain because we detest the sad reality that the love we would love to forget forever creeps on us, keeping us from slumber, seeking embrace, having the foot of our hearts still glued to what no longer describe what and where we now are. We mourn for loss, professionally labelling each emotion so we can say we endured and maybe get to be called strong, only the weak dwell on has-been’s the world has made us believe. Silently we are all weak, we proudly sob for yesterday, we call for yesterday as if she were a friend, we reluctantly yet cheerfully reminisce so we can confirm to ourselves that yesterday really did exist. We cry for yesterday while simultaneously celebrating the fact that yesterday is still better than today. Sometimes pain is all we have to prove that yesterday wasn’t a figment of our imagination, so we will gladly dwell in pain so we can tell tales of yesterday, tales camouflaged in love.

It’s been 5 months since my girlfriend relocated to the coast; I can’t say my life will reach any further pits of despair, I think I epitomize pain. It feels like the one person whose presence meant the world to me was taken away from me. Now I have to rely on just hearing her voice which isn’t fair nor is it enough, the telephone can’t take the place of her smile. I worry about her every day.  Is she okay, is she safe, did she eat, is she warm are the questions I ask God every day. I can’t even hold her when she cries nor can I dance with her when she is happy. I don’t think the distance between us is fair but then again I doubt my feelings even matter to the heavens

Strange Kinda Love

You got that thing I never used to like
That face that lacks beauty
the voice not deep, lacking melody
the body not perfect, boobs not so round, legs not so fine....Ugly duckling!
Everything about you is flawed
But eccentrically I find you perfect
You got that thing that makes un-pretty girls pretty... Yikes!
I see so much beauty in you, I almost feel blind, am I blind?
Your voice serenades every worry to sleep,
Your arms perfect your body as I lay on you, you are my lullaby
Got the kinda smile that soothes all that aches, I call you my pain free zone
Got the kinda touch that makes me shiver down my soul with pleasure
Got me hooked on things I was destined to find un-cool....Eeuw!
Got the aura so divine, you make me worship the imperfect being in you
you baby are the perfect kind of imperfect, the beautiful beast, the noisy lullaby
You caress the depths of my soul with your smile
you are a goddess, that lady so mysterious I have purposed myself to uncover the mystery in you
you are worth every beautiful word

©  S Phohleli 2012-04-03

This weekend I realized that as sweet and rude as I am, I cannot take disrespect in any form, I am the typa person who will say all the wrong things at the wrong time but after all's been said and done I am still able to woman-up and ask for forgiveness. The same aggression I showed fucking you up is the same passion and humility I will show pleading for mercy. The one thing I abhor is a person disrespecting me and having no balls to apologize. Tell me you didn't mean it, say something. Don't just not say anything because your silence means that every word you said was no mistake and you can’t expect to move on to the future not having rectified your wrongs, I understand that I will have also pissed you off, said things I shouldn’t have said, made you cry but I also apologized and I expect you to do the same.

time lost

We could have been supernatural

We could have flown with the eagles
We could have dined with the angels
We could have redefined love and rewritten it with our names
We could have created the stars together
We could have been inseparable
We could have been totally remarkable together
We could have been the envy of every soul
We could have been one masterpiece
We could have been important to each other
We could have been what we failed to become to each other when time still approved us
Now we no longer can be what we were destined to be
We let slip an era that could have recreated our lives
Cluttered with wishful thoughts of what is now against time
Drowning in moments lost
Wounded by words unsaid
Suffocating in sentiments unshared
Who are we to think we can now reverse fate?

© S Phohleli 2012-04-02

If you’re not the one "Daniel Beddingfield"

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

:(

I'm moving to a new desk (where my boss can clearly see my screen to a point that she'd correct me if I spelt a word wrong) so I won't get to update my blog so often....I will try update it at least once a week

Hard to read you are

You are so fickle
you whine, you cry, you snap
I'm tired of being pained and expected to make you smile
how do you become the reason to my misery and expect me to be your hero?
Constantly stoning me with faces of disapproval
Pushing me against the wall
bashing me with silent treatment
Raping me with words intended to kill
Yet you expect me to be your knight in shining armour
You confuse me so much I think you confuse yourself
I look through the windows of your soul
To educate myself about the mysteries of confusion and pain that have found residence in you
I grow weary of constantly trying to look through that heavy moisten window
Can't seem to follow you I'm certain you too are lost in your own path
Words I utter never seem to complete their task in you as you close up and counter unnecessarily
I, in frustration try to force my way through the dusty window but words painful, acts piercing are hurled at me
I grow weary trying to dodge the bullets of your words thrashing my soul in two
It's become so cumbersome to have to cautiously count the words I say to you
Have made me believe I live my life under interrogation and that doesn't please me whatsoever

© S Phohleli 2012-04-02