Silently my friend and I
made this rule and it's a fair one, when
we decide to spend the weekend together in the name of fun leaving no stones
un-turned, clothes smelling of cigarettes, weed, booze and perfumes not belonging
to us, arms tired from hugging strangers, shoes full of dust, sleeping till 2pm
on Sunday, she is expected to come to my house and I am expected to drive her
home, no matter how hang over'd I am (from undiluted fun since we both do not
consume alcohol) and we have always did as expected without a fight.
So we have just had an epic weekend and full
recovery expected to occur by mid week as we went super crazy this time
around and angry girlfriends were the outcome of this mad selfish fun we always
engage in. I don't see my buddy that often and we just got back together from a
big messy argument that cut our communication to zero for months and such fun
was our peace offering to each other and boy did we go down, you'd swear we
were motherless.
As I was routinely driving my friend home after a crazy weekend, we decided to
take a route we normally don't take especially at night because it is one long
scary dark road, if you haven't felt complete loneliness and the rising of the
back hair, you must drive there and you will appreciate not having been
introduced to such emotions. It was just after 2pm and we figured we won't be
the only people driving there so we went; it wasn't dark so we were fine. We
weren't gonna pay any attention to the road, we pep talked ourselves, we were gonna catch
up, plan our next hook up and reminisce about the weekend, and of course talk
about ways to get our girlfriends to forgive us for our transgressions. My girl
wasn't talking to me and so was hers, we were both in deep shit and putting an
end to this weekend's fun meant the birth of arguments in the home base and
frankly I wasn't up to it, I never am up to explaining what I did and didn't do
while having fun but the explanation was inevitable so we went over what could
have ticked these two beautiful souls off and as usual we came to a conclusion
that they were just crazy and we weren't gonna entertain them. Deep down we had
solutions but we weren't about to go all emotional on our drive and ruin the
last fun we were having in the car.
Changed the topic to a lighter one that was gonna carry us through to Odette's
door. We listened to DJ Zinhle's new track "My name is", volume on
max yet we were able to hear each other very well, of course we were screaming
and boy did we wish the weekend was a week long, so not fair that we only have
2 days to dance and be totally sloshed with fun and 5 days to slave away. Sadly
we got pulled over by the police. Oh flip!!
So embarrassing because I still had my PJ's on, without a bra and it was
almost 3pm, and my license was in the boot so I had to go out, full of sleep
and get it for this man of authority. Eish but I was tired, didn't have time to
look pretty at all. Finally we got to Dee's place, waved goodbye, we will see
each other soon and that knowledge was worth another party.
On my way back to the home base, anticipating 21 questions from my lady and
planning 25 responses I was still not up for a fight, just not into it at all.
I decided to take the scary road again, something lured me to it as if I was
compelled, without question I followed the lead of my compeller, got pulled over
by the police again, same guy who now wanted me to be his lady, Eeuw, Mr Man
must just relax himself, told him to bring his wife and teenage daughter and we
will talk and he just didn't get why I said that...anyway back on the road
again, listening to music just so I don't feel as scared and lonely, I believe
that this road is haunted and that the spirits, in attempts to find
companionships, get into our cars uninvited when we drive, even when we are
alone, we never are really alone on this road, there are always shadows on the
chairs, for shadows to be seen, human-like beings need to be present. I wasn't
alone. I felt the brutal piercing cold on my skin though all my windows were
closed, the rising of hair and the voices in my head became louder, it was
confirmed, I had company and their presence wasn't meant to go unnoticed. Said
a little prayer, my eyes solely fixed on the road ahead and I saw the road with
a different eye now, not making it less scary but my visions of it became
heaven like.
For 45 minutes I saw only 2 cars so a lot of people must avoid this road. It's
a quite road, almost unfriendly, almost too open, something about it is unholy,
surely satanic, something about it is spiritual, it's the light side of the
dark, and it’s not of heavenly creations I conclude. Once more, eager to get
home, tired of the long winding road, I fixed my eyes on the road ahead trying
to focus and to put to sleep the voices in my head, feeling no comfort from the
music, I switched off the radio and made
myself believe I was not as alone as my eyes made me believe.
This road reminded me of life, that even
though we may be in the midst of million souls, when we fix our eyes on our own
lives, we are just lonely beings who see nothing in the future, who because of
two people passing by, believe life isn't as lonely and scary. Life is lonely,
sometimes loneliness consumes us that we walk in the dark just so we can feel a
change of the weather that may not always be comforting, that spirits live out
there seeking companionship and because we too are lonely and vulnerable we
willing yet unwillingly open ourselves so such friendships, friendship only
seeking company and not promising to care for us. We walk alone, feel alone and
sometimes are what we feel. Paradise can't be like this, when I think heaven I
think happiness, unending laughter and peace, however hell if it exists can be
found in this road, traces of hell were all over the lanes of that road, if
hell wasn't there, this road must have homed creatures whose current residence
is now hell. Thoughts of pain, loneliness, despair, failure reigned on me as I
hit gear 6 rushing to get home, I wasn't willing to tap into that state of my
life again, it wasn't gonna let this road remind me of what I failed to become
and all the anguish I have endured, I wasn't about to indulge in excruciating
nostalgic flashes again, it had no right to mess with my mind like that.
Turning slowly on that hazardous curve, doing 140km/h in the 80kh/h zone I
finally painted with perfection the picture of hell. Pictures I prefer to not
ever think about for my own sanity, for my own revival and for faith’s sake. Pictures
I drew using my blood as ink, pain and loss as my inspiration, I cannot allow
my mind to dwell on images that now define me anymore, I cannot delight in
emotions that clouded my mind all the days of my life anymore. I have to create
new images, take new paths, dreams new dreams, paint new pictures.
Finally I got home, almost shaken, ignition on, gear one, balancing of the
clutch, I was almost ready for a fight and the silence that tags along after every
squabble but to my surprise instead of a fight I was blessed with a smile as I
opened the door.
