We sat outside
my grandmother’s house, in the heart of Soweto, the notorious location called
Zola. We needed air as the tension was deadly, and we felt out of breath, you
tried to play it cool, I was suffocating, suffocating in words that kept
beating the doors of my chest crying freedom. Words had to be uttered though
emotions had already conveyed what no longer was, the tension had already spoke
farewell to the our amalgamation, the eyes had already mourned the loss of our
affair but we needed validation, we needed to hear tales from the sounds of
words, the tones of every syllable was necessary so we could be sure of what
was already spoken by our silent hearts. I sat on the grass and you watched me
like a eagle as you sat atop the fence made of bricks, studying my every move,
uncovering the codes of my every note of silence. My eyes wandering the busy
main road trying all I could to avoid any eye contact and nerve-wrecked you
asked, "What's on your mind? Why have you summoned me here?" No
longer could I play hide and seek with my emotions, you seemed weary of all the
excuses we both have told to each other, too tired of keeping record of the
lies we both have told to avoid the moment that sure would speak reality. I
stuttered, murmured until stalking silence had to come to an end, already
irritated you threatened to leave so I had to speak of my reasons for inviting
you over, to put to sleep the worries you might have had and most significantly
to free myself of what ifs. Carefully I conveyed what was in my heart,
shuddered through every emotion, trying to be articulate in all I say and unto
you I laid thick words of selfishness, words of greed knowing you already were
spoken for, unto you I laid emotions meant to drive even the pastor to the
grave, aware of the potential destruction of my words I already had prepared
myself for a life in your absence, I had already asked of my angels to stand
nearby to catch my fall. Freedom had to be earned and having harboured so many
emotions in fear of destroying you wore the price tag of my solitude. I no
longer could afford telling all the lies so I do not pitch up to our Saturday
market strolls, I had grown weary of calling you what you no longer were in my
heart and I no longer could explain your absence to the ones who knew your
impact in my life. Selfishly I planned my exit strategy affording you no
reason, snapping at your every question and stalking your every lover. We were
made of the same flesh, wore the same fabrics of skin, so what could you have
seen in them that I didn't posses, I arrogantly always questioned every shadow
of you, forcing conversation with every portrait of you, hoping you'd answer and
save me from my insanity while driving me to insanity as portraits were never
meant to speak. I calculated the risk of losing you, made myself believe that
perhaps we were called for a different era. Without emotion I shared with you
the tales told by my heart when it stalks every memory of you, I told unto you
the euphoric state my soul dwells in when I hear the tone of your voice,
without emotion I shared with you just how carelessly I have fallen for you and
how comfortably you have established yourself in my soul. I shared with you
just how much I embrace the scent you left on my skin after your carefree hugs,
how I have found myself calling your name when in sexual celebrations with
other beings and how lonely I feel when I am reminded that you are already
spoken for. Having cleaned out my closet, vacuumed every word, every emotion so
I do not offend you I waited for you to say something and all you did was
breathe in relief as if my freedom brought liberty to your own soul. Without a
word you reciprocated all my emotions.