We cry

We yell

We curse

We fall

What’s the use of it all if it won’t change the situation?

Why should ... pain be better if it won’t heal?

                      ...  Wounds heal if scars will appear

                      ... Forgiveness be sought if crimes will be committed again

                      ... Prisons be open if they walk free again

We laugh

We dance

We praise

We rise

In order to... cry

                   ... Yell

                   ...  Curse

                   ... Fall

Because pain won’t heal

Wounds give birth to scars

Crimes committed again

Criminals walking untouched

                    

ask me shit I will answer you shit - ONLY fair

Today is one of those days where I wanna volunteer to shut everyone's mouth with my fist.

It’s sad how people aren't able to close their mouths without you having to suggest this.

Ask me shit I will answer you in shit camouflaged in fists

The mending of hearts we didn’t break automatically make us part of their past

We end up apologizing for faults we didn’t commit

Sleeping on beds we didn’t make

Crying tears not meant for us

You bring me to such tears, flooding me with distress. Sadly only you can bring me to as much happiness, to the state of total euphoria you can lead me in seconds...what are you...A god?

I have seen the darkness
Walked in the darkness
Was the muse to the darkness
I lived free of faith
Never did I bother think of redemption for I wasn't worthy of such
Thought I wasn't worthy to even pray
Reached bottom ground
Laid there beyond healing
Beyond salvation
The very darkness whose existence fed from mine left me

In distress I found my courage to pray
I cried to my creator, hoping he'd aid me away from the situation
unfailingly and free of judgment he pulled me through

Kissing you

Almost too shy as we aren't sure we are able

Able to please each other we were unsure

Almost too scared, tempted to switch off the blaming flames that ruled the moment

Stolen gazes were too comforting to let go

Your eyes fixed on mine seeking courage

Mine flat on yours seeking assurance

Bodies silently conversing, seeking approval

We still so shy, shared that weak smile almost leading to that “it's too awkward” laughter

Shyly touching with the tips of our fingers

Anticipating the epic moment that await us

Contemplating on who should take the lead, again we smile, trying to still remain in this aura we have crafted for ourselves,

We almost laugh again as to fight the spirit of awkwardness that dwells within us

It's a winter night, standing outside your door,

A million good nights have been said, your hand on your door handle, yet can't seem to go in

Almost shivering from the cold, as if u wanted to cuddle, you bit your lower lip, so enticing

That very act revived the enthusiast in me,

How dare you bite your lips and expect no kiss in return?

No lips bitten will ever go without a kiss in my presence

So I purposed myself to hear your cries

Perhaps mellow your cries

Perhaps silent your cravings with satisfaction

Bashfully I leaned closer to you, like dancing to the beats of a beautiful song, you followed suit, noses touching

Then the slow opening of lips, in less than a second, we were locked into each other's worlds

The twirling and curling of tongues defined the beautiful catastrophe

We breathed in unison

Up and down, down and up our tongues battled

Hands fearfully touching we twirled and curled so more

Tongues defying the cold, we dwelled in the warmth of each other's breaths

The second kiss sure feels like our first

Still I rise

Still I rise
after your suffocating my every dream
blocking every vision

Still I rise

After your every attempt to take away all that’s mine

After your attempts to destroy all I have diligently laboured for
Still I rise
After you pushed me against the wall seeking my very breath

Strangled me with hatred
hoping I don't resurrect
Still I rise

Still bearing the marks you left on my neck trying to put me to sleep

Wounded, battered, shaken and fearful but still cheerful

Still I rise
Tears rolling down my eyes
bucket of faith running low
still I rise
Singing failure to my ears

Still I rise

From the echoes of your disappointments

Eyes never pleased

Touches of disapproval

Still I rise

After bathing me with words not so pure

Words intended to destroy

Intended for me to self-destruct

Still I rise

From the ashes of your captivity
the burglars of pain
Still I rise

Bearing no hate

Praying for your salvation

Until you rise in humility

Gay Kinda Fans

I have had 105 visitors on my blog today

Thank you

The Gay Kinda PDAs

Was telling Nomonde about my next note project, Public Displays of Affection of gays in the world where Heterosexuals seem to have dominance. I wanted to hear how she views this issue which I believe has mothered most of the hate crimes all around the world. She then turned around and asked what I thought of this if it be a situation and I found myself stuttering and almost unsure of my answer which then led me to giving her a vague answer. I said, "Maybe", I'm both in and out... Luke warm basically. Luke warm people are cowards and I take that title without fear of judgment because the minute I say "Maybe" I automatically am judged therefore fearing the inevitable is a waste of emotions. I wasn't about to commit myself to an answer that I wouldn't live by if I one day was obligated to BUT silently my answer was "No I do not condone The Gay Kinda PDAs, even though I sometimes practice them", It is okay to call myself a hypocrite than to hear it from anyone else especially her, even though I could tell she already concluded I was a hypocrite but I wasn't ready for confirmations.

I without a doubt enjoy having my hands all over my girl's body, maybe spanking her ass once in a while when walking into a restaurant just to show them that "She's with me", maybe I do spank her ass but I do it with caution just to slightly get my point across. I am very mindful of what I do in public, sometimes almost impossible, but I never want to be a victim of hate if I can avoid it. Not at all saying that those who were found behaving as such earned their beatings but I will not behave in any way that would expose me to such hatred if I can help it. Truth is I am scared, scared of what might happen to me if I was publicly pushing the "I am Lesbian" swag and until I am ready to face the consequences of this misunderstood lifestyle, I will remain as I am, Luke warm (short for "No I don't condone them") for anyone who asks and "anti Gay Kinda PDAs" to myself.

I don't at all believe there are manners that only lesbian's need to abide by, frankly I don't believe in a whole lot of things, one thing I am sure of is that a lot of people don't sleep at night thinking about my sexuality, how it keeps them from slumber still remains mystery to me. We are now fighting to have the Gay rights not removed in the constitution with only 6187 out of 1000 000 signatures at the moment, so we have a long way to go but I believe we will get there. The House of Traditional Leaders want to scrap "sexual orientation" section from the bill of rights contained in Chapter 2 of the Constitution of South Africa and The South African Constitutional Review Committee is currently entertaining this absurd proposal hence the petition. I have signed the petition, not because I am just lesbian but because I am human, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a colleague, a neighbour, and then lesbian. It amazes me how people in power forget all the other traits and concentrate on just sexuality as if that is the only thing that defines me which is ludicrous especially for people who also bear the same traits and to top it all are also educated.

It is only when I signed the petition that I realised what I was fighting for, I am not fighting to be accepted as a lesbian but I want to be able to love and appreciate women without fear, and if that categorises me as lesbian so be it. This proposal will birth deadly ramifications on the LGBTI world should the signatures not reach 1 000 000, God forbid and it is quite saddening that the state has overlooked this, as learned as they behave they are. It’s not as if we are asking to have a holiday dedicated just to our existence, we just want to be free. Of course we will still get eyes of disapprovals from the world when we walk past them, and we aren't expecting to be anyone's favourite overnight but we would like to be considered human when we speak, and it's not like we are asking for donations or whatever they might consider is a stretch to their patience nor are we asking to move in with their sons and daughters or even their wives.

If LGBTI be a country I know for sure Nomonde wouldn't consider me 100% patriotic but I am getting there, threading on careful grounds and for now I am okay on the slow lane, and the labels that come with being slow. I am learning and as blah blah blah as it will sound but learning is a process. Should time call for me to be abrupt, I will be ready. I am not saying going to prides, lesbian’s picnics and going to gay clubs is my way of getting there, but if signing the petition be any measure of patriotism I would like a crown for it. She called me a victim of patriarchy and that I am one of the people who enjoy reaping fruits from the seeds they have never planted but like I said I am getting there. I don't think kissing in public makes me a heroine, that for me is a call for death or whatever that would eventually lead me to this lifeless state, I can't get myself in harm’s way just to get my point across, I don't have the power of Rambo or Chuck Norris yet so I can't fight anyone who opposes.

I will educate people willing to learn about this thing as they call it however I will not impose the knowledge on them, in due time, they will learn or rather accommodate us. I will play my part when and where necessary, I will be the voice where and when someone is willing to listen, unlike corporal punishment, I will not force people to listen as it will bring about frustration and then in turn bring about anger which leads to hatred as they do not understand. The lessons we teach today may not at all affect this generation but it can sure better the next generation. Like our forefathers, they fought to do away with apartheid and as warriors as they were but they never dined in this table they have successfully set for us, we are reaping the fruits of their sweat just as the next generation will reap the fruits of our battle.

You are the WEB and I am the SPIDER

I cannot exist without you

Back and forth

Forth and back

Hello goodbye

Goodbye hello

Stay leave

Leave stay

Yes No

No yes

I love you, I hate you

I hate you, I love you

I miss you; I wish I never met you

I wish I never met you; I miss you

With you

It’s become tiresome

"I am Sorry Nkateko"

So I started a Tumblr just to advertise my blog, everything in there is the same as what's on my blog to, so it is merely for advertising purposes. And it was also for me a way to read and track the work of my favourite writers. I have had the Tumblr for like a month now and I neglected to tell my friend about it because she would be like upset and I don't know why I thought that but I know she would have been upset if she found that out so I kept it from her. I was gonna tell her but just not yet.

Because nothing stays in the dark forever, she was struggling to log into her Tumblr so she asked if she could use my PC and as she went to Tumblr... BOOM!!! I was logged on, Gay Kinda Love (She saw Follow and dashboard and it was over, I was a goner)...such awkwardness I have never experienced. I tried laughing it off but the tension was too thick, even laughter couldn't remedy the situation, she felt almost betrayed. Wanted to pack up and leave but I didn't, I was in the wrong and I tried to apologise, well I apologised proper and I just hope she understands or will one day understand.

The Cinnamon Author

I remember when you cried,

You said it was me. Impossible!

It can't have been that you were crying because of me

I cannot have such impact on you or anyone for that matter

Then I cried

All because of you

And then I realised that maybe it is possible that you cried because of me

Never knew it was possible for someone like me to have such supremacy on anyone let alone you

Never thought I could be someone else's hero

Please SIGN the petition

Advocate S.P. Holomisa - Chair Person of Constitutional Review Commitee: Protect the constitution of South Africa - AS IT IS!

http://www.change.org/petitions/advocate-s-p-holomisa-chair-person-of-constitutional-review-commitee-protect-the-constitution-of-south-africa-as-it-is?utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=share_petition&utm_term=share_button_modal

A BIG THANK YOU COMING YOUR WAY

Nkateks receives a Spa treatment

So I entered my friend for some competition at work and she won...a spa treatment

I am so happy, the best way to start my day...

From Nandipha to Me

Beauty resurrects happiness
Love trails the soul
Mirror image of God's outlook,
Peace encompasses the love that dwells within.
Joy comes and leaves as lessons
looking back on years of integrity
Wisdom gained by the importance stolen by the beauty that resides in the heart of a beautiful soul...

{She sent this to me at the perfect time, the time were I was in my most vulnerable, weak state...talk about perfect timing}

Tears leaping from eye to eye
Sorrow kissing every soul
Insults seduce the lips of the pure
Dancing to the beats of rejection
Body to body we move to the touch of loneliness
We are children to the kings of sorrow
The offspring of the mothers who meant to abort us
Mimicking what our fore fathers became
We are the descendants of pain

Beastly

She gruesomely laid on me pain
Such beauty I accepted anguish with a smile
She smiling told me it wouldn't hurt
She psychotically told me to smile
She made me hurt myself
Hurt herself
We delighted in pain, beautiful misery
She laid there almost dead
I prayed for her death
We prayed for salvation
She resurrected
I almost too shaken
Begged her to hurt me
Hurt me beyond death so I too can resurrect
We in unison cut the wrists of happiness
Submerged in the total despair
We sang praises to pain
She held me by my hand
As she led me to death
As I implored her to end me nicely
She put my happiness to sleep
Together we were pained
Together we were wounded
Sitting in the corner of death with angels of Satan
They prayed for our fall
We prayed for pain
Pain united us
Gladly we delighted in pain
Sang choruses of defeat
Together we were in misery
She was to me what I was to her
She my beautiful compeller, I the emotional wreck, such supremacy she has on me, we tapped only to rhymes that were pleasing just to her, so gladly I moved to beats of anguish for she worshiped the beauty of the gushing blood as she pained herself, such beauty I was drawn to my knees
Such purity I inadvertently became a believer
She was a friend of death, I the enemy of life
She was a messenger of the dark, I the opposition of light
She the beast, I the fallen angel
Together we were labelled by situations that defined our fears

I got sorry greeting me at the front door, you can keep yours, I'm gonna leave a message on my voice mail if you called to say you sorry than call somebody else, cos I don't use them anymore, let sorry sooth your soul, I'll sooth mine... I'm not gonna call you I'm not gonna be nice, I'm gonna yell, I'm gonna scream, I'm gonna break things, I'm gonna tell all your secrets about you to your face and I'm not gonna be sorry for none of it. I loved you on purpose, I was open on purpose. I'm not even gonna be sorry about you being sorry, I can't use another sorry

For Colored Girls

Mama’s Boyfriend

For as long as I know life I've known him
After Mother slaughtered herself as life had failed her, he took me in, the father who was never really mine
Helped me grow, he said he was pruning me for a moment greater than myself
That when that moment comes, I mustn't question  him
Grew breasts, he grew different
saw him staring at my bosom, he said I was beautiful, uttered words he found pleasing to him, words I gathered I was too young to understand
Adorned my face with makeup, covered my lips with gloss, combined my straight, dangling ear rings he helped me wear, said a lady is pretty
Said he was gonna show me off to his friends, I turned out better than he expected, he was my proud inventor he said, his prized possession he labelled me
That dark night he came in my room to sing me a lullaby, never was a singer but he said he planned this night all his life so he sang in celebration
Mystified I asked the reason for the need to sing me a lullaby when he never did so in the past, what was this that he deemed worthy to be celebrated,  never was he able to answer direct questions, as anticipated he had no answer
He said we looked good together just the way he had imagined it, as good as they looked with mother, she was such a disappointment though he said, was never pretty like I was, I had to do what mother failed to do, he commanded
What he expected of me to do remained uncovered, I figured it would be a learn as you go process but nothing about it was comforting
Felt the rising of hair, the cold of the skin, tears in my eyes as he leaned closer to teach me
Told me to relax it wouldn't hurt, I needed to flow he again commanded
It was time to taste what he helped cook he said boastfully
He as if he derived pleasure kissed me, felt his tongue inside my mouth, I vomited
Cleaned me up and said I needed to behave
As if I was expected to respond he touched me, touched me in ways that would drive the pastor to his knees I cried
Felt all alone, felt betrayed, nothing about what was being done to me was worth any form of smile let alone a celebration
Relax and trust him he said I must
Said he was pruning me for such a time, for womanhood he prepared me, I owed him my existence he said
Said the first time would hurt but it will be better next time if I'm a good girl
Spit in my delicate place, said he liked it wet
He climbed on me, as if he was possessed, grabbed me, as if I was supposed to feel anything, he commanded me to follow his lead
Ladies know how to move he said, asked me to mimic his moves
He inserted a thing that was in him within me and I cried
Screamed for help yet no one would hear
He kept breathing heavy on me as if I was a meal he's been waiting for
As if I should feel proud, he patted me on the shoulder, saying next time will be better, next time I should be better, he wasn't upset with me but next time I should be better he said

I'm in the room with her
She's with someone else
Speaks of someone else
Thinks of someone else
My heart can't help but sink in pain
She says she's with me
But I can tell I lost her mental presence long ago
I can tell she no longer is with me
She, though her body lies next to me, is buried in someone else's soul

Missing you madly
You left your scent on my pillow
Shadows of you spooking our home
Your voice still echoing in my head
When will I see you again?

A non believer will not believe

Bearing scars of disappointment
You have become immune to care
Witness to the wounds of yesterday
You have caged your heart
Letting no one in to clean the wounds
Sing praises of your beauty I do
You have become deaf to honesty
Touching you to the depth of your soul
Yet you feel nothing, you feel something but you will not admit even to yourself
The innocent paying the price of your past transgressors
How do I redeem myself on their behalf?
When will the mortgage be paid up I intend to settle it without delay  

Nandipha's note

Almost doesn’t count

It seemed like a far away dream

So close, yet so near.

 My dream was you.

 Woke up each day close to you, your body was with me

But your soul was lost.

Many a day you uttered words of love

 These words gave me hope, were my reason to live

Yet to you they were filled with doubt.

The strength I gave u was more than that of Hercules

But still, you couldn’t shake the doubt.

I was Cupid's sidekick when it came to you, but still...u were so blue.

Till one day, when you finally found your soul...it was ALMOST there with me.

But you realized you were more doubtful than sure.

Till then you realized how happy my happiness DOESNT make you...

Till that fateful day...when you waited to tell me of the loss...

You just sat there pondering...with no doubt...

And all you could do was COUNT the minutes till I arrived...

Final hour "Vivian Green"

I loved you, just too much
You owned my emotions
Devoted, completely
You had me, I couldn't see
No one else, by myself
I remained through the pain
You were all that mattered
But now I know there's better

So I walked away
while it rained down my face
I turned away
From the pain of hurting me

I gave you full control
my mind, my body soul
Confusion, delusions, untruthful, unfaithful
Weighed down my self-esteem
Never again will I give
My power, to be me
And be free, now I see

Kissing you "Desree"

Pride can stand a thousand trials,
the strong will never fall
But watching stars without you,
my soul cried.
Heaving heart is full of pain,
oh, oh, the aching.
'Cause I'm kissing you, oh.
I'm kissing you, oh.
Touch me deep, pure and true,
gift to me forever
'Cause I'm kissing you, oh.
I'm kissing you, oh.
Where are you now?
Where are you now?
'Cause I'm kissing you.
I'm kissing you, oh.

Disinclined waves of goodbye

After an epic night...unvoiced praises, unspoken thanksgivings, inadvertent worshipping, and the sweat,

Left me drenched in utter happiness

Left me humming your name in all my thoughts

Left me calling you baby, calling you sweetheart, calling you mine

Left me still dancing to the music we danced to last night,

Drowning in memories of what was when you and I were...having silent conversations with our bodies we were so loud

Left me replaying the art we made with our bodies

Still worn-out from the rhythm we made all night long

And then you must say good-bye, the dawn has come and it's not in our favour

I don't ever want to say good-bye but my obligations offer me no freedom to ignore the callings of my reality

Reluctantly I wave good-bye, kiss you good-bye, whisper in your ear "I will see you soon, don't you forget me"

Father why have you forsaken me?

Every day I think of you. Pray for you, almost pray to you asking you to make things happen for me, maybe it's because I feel you are closer to the source of my answers, that's what my grandma told me.

Every day I smile because of you, you have made a habit of visiting my thoughts, sometimes it hurts as thoughts of you are the only connection I have with you

I talk about you to my friends, brag about your greatness; tell them how much of life you have taught me

Still can't come to terms with the fact that you no longer are accessible to me, that no technology can connect me to you, denial is the only way of keeping you alive.

You left too soon, before I got my first salary, just a few months before I could take you out, buy you a jersey since you hated the cold, buy you a packet of cigarettes and buy you a carton of umqombothi.

Every day I wish you were here, in every storm I wish you were there to talk me into holding on, sometimes I feel lonely, sometimes I feel scared, I have no father to run to because you left me.

Without a warning you up and left and left no letter of explanation, never knew if you fought to stay, I saw life drain life off of you but still you should have stayed just so you can tell me how proud of me you are.

I was there when you laid on that bed fighting for your life, walked miles from school just to see that you still were there, just to make sure they gave you something to eat, gave you water to drink and bathed you but you neglected to tell me you wouldn't fight any longer, did you even fight?

I have grown, a woman now, I think you’d be proud if you saw me, maybe you do see me and are proud; I have so many questions, no one to tell me wise words, so much confused I am. Mommy can't teach me about women as much as you would, sometimes I mess up good relationships because I don't always know how to hold on and how to spot something good, sometimes I need tips on how to ask for forgiveness when I have erred when words aren't enough. Sometimes I just want tips on how to care and respect women better and sometimes I need a pat on the shoulder when I have done well. Sometimes I want to sit in your presence, do my work while you tell me to stop fighting with my younger brother; you always hated it when we fought.

Sometimes I wish you'd show yourself, just to confirm that you are looking after me, that you haven't completely left me, all I need is a sign (nothing drastic as I will probably run away), just something small to show that you still care and that I am still your favourite daughter.

Daddy, are you warm there?

Yours in anger

You are angry, I am angry, aren't we just in the perfect state to reach cloud infinity?

You didn't mean it nor did I but are we not in the most tasteful nature to reach the peak of our sexual celebrations?

Dive inside me in fury as I dip inside you in anger, raging unity

So let's not apologise but do pardon me for my careless

Not that I care not for your happiness but I love it when you angry

 Not that I love you more in fury you just look tastier in rage

 Is it wrong to find you ravishing when you wear that angry face?

 Can I selfishly, seeking no consolations, be mad at you?

 So that I can, perhaps I can, maybe you can

 Let me kiss you hard,

 Touch you mad,

 Dip my tongue inside you

 Let me hear the sound of your moaning

 I have can go deaf from your sexual cries

 Let me go beyond your limits so I can free you from boundaries

 Let me apologise, don't you apologise but I like me angry

© S Phohleli 2012-05-04

That look

I love how you look at me

 As if you don’t want to look at me

As if you are scared I will catch you

But you stare so much that without seeing your eyes fixed on me, I feel you

I feel you, I hear you talking to me without the uttering of words

I feel you, I feel you touching me without any touching of skin

I love how you look at me as if you are scared of me

As if you are doubtful that I too find myself staring at you

Truth is I stare and fear that you too might catch me so I look away before you could see my weakness

I love how you call my name

As if it's music to your ears

Remedy to your ache

Your ray of hope

I love how restless we become before we meet

As if time is against us

As if, just to spite us, it stops

As if, to punish us, it pays no mind to our urges

As if we are better than time

As if we rival against the hands of time

Tick tock! Tick tock! Even time can't catch up to us

So me talk, you talk, we beat faster than time, so we talk tales leading to our epic union

We tick together against time

I love how you look at me

As if I am some Goddess you want to worship

As if I am some Empress you want to serenade with words only defining beauty

As if you breathe just for me

As if my heart beats just for you

I love how you look at me

As if you want to birth the poetic mistress within me

As if you want me to prove to myself for myself that I am worthy of all your affection

I love how you look at me

As if you can’t take your eyes off of me

© S Phohleli 2012-05-04

Hey you

So I have been feeling rather lonesome without you

Feeling as if you have abandoned me

Feeling as if you don’t care anymore

You said you’d come for me, I held on tight on that promise

But this time you took too long as if you’ve found a new companion

I hope is there is no truth in this, tell me I’m just being paranoid I beg of you

Dear Friday, I’m glad you finally came

Morning Glory

Don’t stop... harder... yes there...faster.....

and in unison.....

we come

Goodbye’s not an option so don’t say the word

One girl ... Common interest

I think your girl is cheating on us

love letter

You are the words
You are the paper
Your love is the ink
I write tales of happiness
I have dined with the angels because you fell in love with me
You defied destiny
Loved me beyond fate's approval
You defied me
Loved me for myself, something destiny failed to afford me with
You are the words I want to hum till I become lifeless
That very paper that has held me captive in happiness
You have splashed me with the ink of your love, leaving me stained with joy
You are the letter of love that got delayed in the mail, Mr post man has a grudge on me
Finally you are here,  and I can't put you down
Dear you, dear me, hold me dear to you
Faithfully yours, faithfully mine, be mine beyond the post office boundaries,

Turn a blind eye to every post man who wants to steal you from me
the letters of love have become a part of me, you are my love letter
Signed, sealed and delivered to my heart

My Twilight she is

Because whenever I think Twilight I think her

I shiver at the thought of sunset as it is going be yet another night without her

Another winter under my sheets

The nightmare specialist promised to hurt me again tonight

The silence that clutters the emptiness of my home

The dreams I could dream better if she was here with me

I think of her and I see the rays of the sun

That ray of hope that dominates my every being whenever I breathe the air of dawn

A new day that still doesn't bring her home

A day closer to tomorrow, hopefully she will be home at tomorrow's twilight

Should tomorrow not birth her presence, I will cry a little, mourn a little, pray a little and smile a little

Until she returns home, I will dedicate every twilight, every sunshine, every moonlight, every star, every rain fall, and every sound of wind to her

While I delightfully drench myself in every tear, every prayer, every lonesomeness waiting for her to knock on my door

Hope hasn't yet left my side

Satisfy you - Puff Daddy feat. R.Kelly

Decided to loosen up a bit and stop being such a bore this weekend and watching TV was one of my resolutions, so I tuned in on trace TV and my all time favourite song was playing "Satisfy you by Puff Daddy feat. R.Kelly" a blast from the past I tell you, purely nostalgic, had me singing out loud like a loser listening to an iPod in a public transport. I had just moved to the city from the Eastern Cape when BOP TV played this song every morning when I got ready for school. I didn't understand what Puff Daddy and R.Kelly were singing about but I gathered it was about a woman who was cheating as shown in the video of course and that was my only understanding but that didn't stop me from singing this song and yes I sang it all wrong as I really couldn't hear what these dudes where saying, except R.Kelly's part of the chorus where he kept saying "He don't have to know, He don't have to know"

 Strangely this song took me back to the time I spent in Eastern Cape, all my years before my teens, the time when I was scared to dream, the possibilities of my dreams coming true then were non-existent. Being part of a crowd that prohibited dreams as it was a waste of time didn't make it any easier. So I dreamt silent dreams, never dared mentioned the pleasures I delighted in at night, no one was supposed to know I saw tomorrow with a hopeful eye, it was tabooed to even mention things that were not of today. I had to be lifeless in order for my existence to be noticed, had to be totally consumed by the crowd to at least part take in conversations, who would dare find me cool if I spoke of the future with excitement? The closest to the future we ever were meant to be was to talk about or plan tomorrow's meal. We had to be enthusiastic about where we would find the next plate, that part was worth dwelling on, and that part alone. No one was expected to delight in anything else but that and who was I to cross the line and opt to dream instead? That was a punishable offence, one that would cost one a meal and I wasn't about to starve to death in the name of dreams. Completely swallowed by the crowd, fully submerged in negativity, I obeyed the commands without opposition. And then I moved to the city... Lights, Robots, Cars, TV, set, go... A whole new world... I was slapped in the face by the world I never knew existed, had to wipe off the sleep and catch a wake up. The rural girl mindset had to depart from me instantly, I had to be City-wise. No rehearsals, No screen shots, no auditions, my city life was put into play without being asked if I was ready and I had to more than adapt, I had to live. The city and everything in it was fast paced and therefore had to adjust my life accordingly and fast. The city was like chalk and cheese to what I grew up with, philosophies completely different, I now had to choose between dreams and pregnancy, while everyone else my age chose to stand by the corner at night with the boys, stupid me (so everyone thought) I chose to dream.

 However, set apart from the crowd as I was, I felt cheated by the universe, while everyone in my hood was going to multi-racial schools, I went to a public school in the heart of the hood and speaking English with no accent sold me out to many. I wasn't cool enough so I buried myself in my books and told tales of a bright future to myself and for myself so I could at least believe in something. I wasn't fair that Mom wasn't able to take me to such schools, so unfair. But as robbed as I felt, this lack made me more driven, certain of what I wanted, and having to walk 5 km to school made this dream even more worthy to dream. My dream was to live a life that was better than the life I was accustomed to, having to struggle for every penny wasn't what I was fated for; I believed it was something greater than that, it had to. I may not have been destined to dine with the rich and famous but a better life with minimal struggle, should struggle be necessary, was the least the universe could offer me, heaven owed me that much.

 Battled through varsity, finally graduated, now employed by the leading car manufacturer in SA in the core department of the company, I am glad I was bold enough to dream. I am pleased that I had the ability to envision for myself the life even the parents and their forefathers never dared to dream of. If I be a product of anything in this life, I am a product of my dreams, cherishing all the scars that mark the journey to where I am now.

Stupid crazy love

I cringe with excitement when I think of you,
My face deformed from all the smiles you afford me with, what did you do to me?

My heart leaps for joy when it beats just for you, fuck what have we done?

I tell you crazy tales, just to make you smile, oh boy how I love your smile

You genuinely laugh at my jokes, damnit you are too cool

Made of me an insomniac as I think of you all night long, oh how I miss my sleep

You love me as if its second nature, can't help but love you back as effortlessly without caution

Just like Usher I got it bad, don't you dare burn me, I have brothers who will hunt you down and cut off your hair and steal all your make-up if you do
Got that thing that melts my stoned heart, what are you? The incredible hulk?
Got that smile that weakens my every limb, you are my Cinderella
Oh my Goddess you got that thing about you that makes me feel at home, not in some blah blah blah let’s get married at Las Vegas with a ring from a lucky packet typa thing but in some I want you to meet my Mom kinda way

The rollercoaster bitter sweet life

I look at my life as it is now, for what it is, how I want it to be and I'm thankful it no longer is what it used to be and no longer located in that place of despair, shame and pain anymore. I have completely moved away from self-destructive thoughts, I have come to completely understand who, why, what, and how God really is in my life. I am prone to being trialled and tested but I have birthed within me a Job perspective, that mentality that believes in my shepherd without question, knowing that one day when he pleases and how he pleases he will lead me to the Promised Land like he did Lot.

As un-pretty as I sometimes feel I know that I am not completely gruesome. As fat as I always feel I know that I am not obese, people don't look at me and go yikes, so I'm not entirely unattractive I have with success convinced myself. Never really know what people mean when they say they've come far and without interrogating this common statement any further, I too believe I have come pretty far.

 I still get ' you have insufficient funds' from the ATM when I try and withdraw cash optimistically, I still get 'it's sold out, try next time' when I decide to get tickets beyond the deadline date, just taking my chances I was, I still get 'can we get you a bigger size Miss?', that's because they have small cuts on everything I always convince myself, I still get 'I'm not interested in fact you are not my type' when I try and chat up a lady, LOL Biatch I'm taken, just wanted to tell you to fix that wig it's about to fall, I still get "we are sorry but your application was unsuccessful, good luck in your future endeavours" when I apply for a job, after having gone through 3 fucken interviews, I still get 'is it true you said this about this to that?', lying fokon bitch, and I still get 'your hair is too short' when I try and get those braids I have always wanted, what a bummer!

My life isn't at all rose petals on a Queen’s bed, but it's taken its destined path I think. Not at all there yet but my bucket of faith is still full and will be refilled whenever the necessity becomes relevant. I know that where I am today is nowhere close to where I want to be but the drive there is eventful and worthwhile. I will take no shortcuts nor detours, will run this fated race without fail.

Celebrate life

Forgive when you still can
Seek redemption while there still is a chance
Cry when it still hurts
Let wounds heal before they become scars
Speak out if it doesn't sit well with you
Kiss it when it still makes you happy
Smile when it still brings you joy
Hold on tight when it is  still worth keeping near
Leave before you are held captive
Speak the truth when lies blow your cover
Let go, God's will always prevail
Cover your heart up whenever you still have control
Dance when you still can hear the song
Forgive yourself
Move on when the chapter ends, stop trying to write tales on closed books
Ask for second chances while they are still on offer
Open your mind wider than your eyes
Listen more than you utter
Keep your pride while remaining humble
Respect mankind
Intercede when you seek supernatural spiritual interventions and liberation
Pray in health, wealth and sickness
Repent when you have erred
Be thankful for today
Worship always
If you can't do it for God, do it for yourself, never do it for anyone who is neither God nor yourself
Celebrate the life you were called for
Life is borrowed
Immortality is not for the humans
Take no short cuts
Allow no detours
Learn more than you regret if you must regret
It's okay if they hurt you, who else are they suppose to hurt?
What's so special about you that you think you should have been excused from pain?
How are you supposed to lift the broken hearted if you never wore a heart that once broke?
How are you supposed to speak life to the lifeless if you never were lifeless?
How are you supposed to hold dear anything if you never lost anything?
How are you supposed to laugh if you have never wept?
How are you expected to appreciate God if you never felt alone and abandoned?
How are you supposed to speak life if death never touched you?
How dare you think this burden is too much for you, no one else has it easy, it is for this reason that we have closed doors.
How dare you think you are better than Jesus, even he the heir of Heaven, the creator of Heaven and earth was wounded...wounded that you might find comfort in suffering
So many times we want to be victims of life than be heirs of the kingdom as biblically promised
Wipe that look of despair you have on that beautiful face and live life
Tomorrow will birth a new sun and moon
Life is precious
It is borrowed
Celebrate it