22.3.12
I was partially responsible, that much I admit. It was always just us and we swore we wouldn’t let anything come between us. We had a fight as terrible as this before but this one feels permanent, we both were in relationships, me in one long committed relationship and she was always the one scared of a commitment so she hopped around a lot, I accepted her for that, it worked for her and I was her friend not God. We became friends while I was still in varsity and we were inseparable, had a fight that cut our communication for months but we found a way to each other again. Now we were serious, we knew things about each other the world could never imagine of us, we were so close that whenever I called her crying she’d quickly take a Taxi to my apartment and tell me a million jokes, dance like a maniac, sing for me, she knew she had a terrible voice and tell me how ugly I am when I cry and boy did she used to crack me up, I miss that about her. She became to me the twin sister I never had, she knew me as much as I knew her, she lived her life (love life) carefree and I was the serious type, I suppose she loved that about me because she’d get jealous if anyone showed interest in me, on a friendship basis of course. She was my only friend I assured her of that, sometimes stoop on the high school kinda low and tell her she is my best friend, not that she wasn’t my best friend but mature people called it “closest friend”, we painted every town red, she was a people’s person, cracked everyone up I felt lucky, we had to be the image of a true friendship. She said I was moody and controlling, well she was irritatingly amazing of a friend, I had my flaws, she had hers, but we shared a friendship so beautiful we overlooked our own imperfections, to the world we were perfect, to each other we were impossible, saying these words just made me miss her more, before our split she had developed a new irritating habit of not apologizing when she is in the wrong and that used to drive me insane, actually that was an old habit it was just perfected, she knew she drove me mad, I think that’s why she did it. Thank you, please and I’m sorry meant a lot to me and she knew exactly what to say, or not, to irritate me. Ditching me on the 11th hour for a girlfriend was an old habit, she knew how to make up for it but I still hated it. Nonetheless it was still just us, no third wheel, just the two of us, we both loved the idea that people have tried to break us up but we were unbreakable, I fear we spoke to soon and jinxed ourselves, of everything that could break us up I never thought it could be a girl, I didn’t (still don’t and never will) like her girlfriend for many reasons but again I always struggled to like her girlfriends (though I ended up good friends with some) because of many reasons I won’t admit even to this paper. This girl was different; she just didn’t sit well with my tits also for many reasons I sure am not going to put on this page (that’s only because you will judge me) but she is the mother of our break up. I suppose my not liking her got in between us a bit but I did pretend to like her to my friend and she believed it, so the habits I hated were tripled in fact, promises broken, ditched always, sorry nonexistent, I was okay but I refused to be made feel insignificant just so their love could blossom. It wasn’t a choice but it’s not comforting to know that I still wasn’t chosen, I could never ask her to choose, there is nothing to choose from, girlfriends and friends are on different scales of life and therefore incomparable but the neglect I felt from her proved otherwise, she had to now ask for permission to hang with me, couldn’t come over at my place because her girlfriend wouldn’t approve, what’s to approve of? We were friends well before she knew you existed. Anyway I didnt’t realize how much I didn’t miss my friend that much until yesterday, when someone asked me where she is and if we are still happening. Pride aside but I will not go back to someone who’s made me feel like a nuisance just for wanting to hang out with her, I am not 16 anymore.
Trip to the tattoo parlour
I have wanted a tattoo for too long but my Christianity couldn’t allow me. The bible is against that kind of stuff and I wasn’t about to test the heavens. It would be on my body forever and when I get to heaven the angels would call me the problem child and God would be mad at me, that was my story and it kept me away from the needle of the tattoo artist, and my girlfriend was against it, maybe not really against it but she wasn’t for it either, she thought I was crazy, I already listened to funny music (she calls any kind of music she is familiar with funny) so getting a tattoo would confirm her suspicions and I wasn’t gonna drive my baby out the door because of my desires, Oh another being who I suspected would kick me out of her house (though I already had moved out of home) was my mom, a tattoo was satanic and getting it would give her a heart attack and I wasn’t about to lose my mom over a stupid desire.
The desire grew but I wasn’t gonna walk to that tattoo artist, it was not an option, I had to keep my mom alive and my girlfriend sane, there was a lot at stake so I didn’t entertain my selfish wishes, I got a wrist piercing instead, the guy who pierced me got it all wrong so I took it out after a few months but I gotta admit, it made me look hot (so it did serve its purpose), my desire for a tattoo remained and I knew one day would be the day I defy the heaven’s, risk my girlfriend’s sanity and my mom’s health, they weren’t gonna be that angry, after a while it would be long forgotten and life would be as we all know it, tattoo-less with a tattoo.
My mind finally made up, still had to run it by my girlfriend though but baby wasn’t gonna say no after doing what I had planned to please her, she says yes to everything when in that trance, I was gonna surprise my mom and ask for God’s forgiveness, I had to do it, I was old enough to make my own choices, that’s what mom always said on other aspects of life, this couldn’t have been an exception. I browsed the web trying to get an idea of what I wanted, I knew I didn’t want a picture, I wanted words and I knew that those words had to be to the glory of God and some up my life experiences. I decided on Love, Faith, Hope, Mercy and Grace and I knew where I wanted it, it was gonna be a wrist (somewhat) tattoo.
Just had to make an appointment, that’s all was left of me to do now after years on deciding, and had to convince myself that it wasn’t gonna be that painful (pushing it I know) and I finally took that long awaited walk (lol drive) to the tattoo parlour, sure of what I wanted and where I wanted it, it was the 15th of December 2011, my bonus was paid into my account, counted down to knock off time (as always) and I was physically ready.
The time finally came, with my friend by my side, I wasn’t gonna cry because she would make fun of me I decided. Walked in there with a million doubts but sure, it was too late the tattoo guy just left the lady at the counter said, asking us to come again tomorrow. Those words led to a long night, had to give myself the pep talk I gave myself the previous night. I wanted it, my skin might have been scared but my heart wanted it so bad. The morning came, my friend still there to hold my hand, and the tattoo artist was there this time, besides the funny fact that my tattoo guy and my friend were flirting disgustingly, it went well, not too painful but painful, and in 10 minutes he was done, I eventually decided on getting 3 words though and till today I have no regrets.
Love.Faith.Hope ... is what I ended up getting
Planning on getting the last 2 words soon
Mercy.&.Grace
My epiphany (always wanted to use this word, not sure how it fits here but who cares, just read)
it's been 2 weeks since I ate lunch at work (making it 2 weeks since I last saw my girlfriend), it's not that I'm not hungry (sometimes I am), I am just not at all excited over eating the food the Canteen proudly offers. One of the things (the only thing except for the 10% off discount we get on purchasing a vehicle) the company subsidises is our meals (Bravo), we get 5 coupons for R36 making each meal R7.20 per day. I was excited when I saw this on my contract that I would buy these coupons for the whole month, 144p/m was indeed a bargain, until a vision came to me at night (dramatic I know), the close to nothing we pay for these meals amounts to the bad service, terribly cooked meals we are offered, me and my friends call it Fear Factor meals. Have you ever tasted rotten rice or seen a chicken soaking in its own blood after cooking? I have and to be part of this extravaganza, gladly come to my office and I will give you one of my coupons and your life will never be the same, you will learn to appreciate quality over quantity. Enough about you, so looking at the peanuts I earn plus the work I do plus the passion behind the work I do plus the 30 minute lunch break (yep just 30), plus the fuckery I with a smile put up with, a good meal is the least they could offer me, I’m not asking for too much, am I?
Let me afford you with a little background (again making this about you but not for long). KKS used to be in charge of the canteen and they were terrible, a petition was signed (I also signed) to kick them out. Good news came and management found a new supplier, we were going to have an all-new Canteen, I was a happy chap, raced down to the Canteen to see this and something was just funny not as in HAHA funny, it was a strange kinda funny, they had the same staff (My friend explained that there can’t really be new staff because they needed the job, so I understood, reluctantly though), Okay stop right there!!!, think bad thoughts of me no more, can I just explain why I was reluctant without you concluding that I am a bad person? Do you know the late Whitney Houston’s (May her soul rest in peace) duo with Deborah Cox, same script different cast? I know you think there is no relation between these two matters because the song is about the love or lack thereof or whatever and food but there is a connection, just make time to listen to the song, it’s a nice jam and if life be fair enough it will show you this revelation I was blessed with. I’m obviously failing to make you see my point and I will stop trying so continue thinking I am a bad person, I permit you. But, I have to make you get my point without tryna play watch tower on you and win you over, in summary, the fact that the new Canteen had the same stuff meant the food and the way it was cooked, uncooked, boiled whatever you wanna call it would remain unchanged. The decorations had changed; more cakes were sold (at the same price so that part was worth celebrating) but the food was as gruesome as before and the staff’s unfriendliness I now chose to ignore, there is this girl though (arg this isn’t about her). Whitney and Cox’s song is about them dating the same guy, at different intervals though, and Cox going your ex is my treasure on Whitney while Whitney was on some ‘a tiger doesn’t change its spots’ tip, the moral of the story (finally) is that something’s never change, no matter how much you decorate them.
Going back to why I don’t eat lunch at the Canteen (if you are still here), I don’t eat there because they cook terribly PERIOD...
it's been 2 weeks since I ate lunch at work (making it 2 weeks since I last saw my girlfriend), it's not that I'm not hungry (sometimes I am), I am just not at all excited over eating the food the Canteen proudly offers. One of the things (the only thing except for the 10% off discount we get on purchasing a vehicle) the company subsidises is our meals (Bravo), we get 5 coupons for R36 making each meal R7.20 per day. I was excited when I saw this on my contract that I would buy these coupons for the whole month, 144p/m was indeed a bargain, until a vision came to me at night (dramatic I know), the close to nothing we pay for these meals amounts to the bad service, terribly cooked meals we are offered, me and my friends call it Fear Factor meals. Have you ever tasted rotten rice or seen a chicken soaking in its own blood after cooking? I have and to be part of this extravaganza, gladly come to my office and I will give you one of my coupons and your life will never be the same, you will learn to appreciate quality over quantity. Enough about you, so looking at the peanuts I earn plus the work I do plus the passion behind the work I do plus the 30 minute lunch break (yep just 30), plus the fuckery I with a smile put up with, a good meal is the least they could offer me, I’m not asking for too much, am I?
Let me afford you with a little background (again making this about you but not for long). KKS used to be in charge of the canteen and they were terrible, a petition was signed (I also signed) to kick them out. Good news came and management found a new supplier, we were going to have an all-new Canteen, I was a happy chap, raced down to the Canteen to see this and something was just funny not as in HAHA funny, it was a strange kinda funny, they had the same staff (My friend explained that there can’t really be new staff because they needed the job, so I understood, reluctantly though), Okay stop right there!!!, think bad thoughts of me no more, can I just explain why I was reluctant without you concluding that I am a bad person? Do you know the late Whitney Houston’s (May her soul rest in peace) duo with Deborah Cox, same script different cast? I know you think there is no relation between these two matters because the song is about the love or lack thereof or whatever and food but there is a connection, just make time to listen to the song, it’s a nice jam and if life be fair enough it will show you this revelation I was blessed with. I’m obviously failing to make you see my point and I will stop trying so continue thinking I am a bad person, I permit you. But, I have to make you get my point without tryna play watch tower on you and win you over, in summary, the fact that the new Canteen had the same stuff meant the food and the way it was cooked, uncooked, boiled whatever you wanna call it would remain unchanged. The decorations had changed; more cakes were sold (at the same price so that part was worth celebrating) but the food was as gruesome as before and the staff’s unfriendliness I now chose to ignore, there is this girl though (arg this isn’t about her). Whitney and Cox’s song is about them dating the same guy, at different intervals though, and Cox going your ex is my treasure on Whitney while Whitney was on some ‘a tiger doesn’t change its spots’ tip, the moral of the story (finally) is that something’s never change, no matter how much you decorate them.
Going back to why I don’t eat lunch at the Canteen (if you are still here), I don’t eat there because they cook terribly PERIOD...
For as long as I have started thinking for myself and making my own decisions I have always asked myself what I am good at? I have dismally failed at being the best daughter and sister as I fight with my Mom and siblings all the time, the fights with my mom are getting better though, I have started calling her just to say Hi and ask about her day (she always asks me the same thing lately, when are we going to see her Mother in the Eastern Cape who recently had a heart attack but survived, HALLELUYAH) and she has learned to appreciate me as a person and not just my money, my relationship with my sisters couldn't be any worse, we are not talking and I’m okay with that, I think they silently hate me for my sexuality but I really don't care what their views are because Mom is okay with me being queer, she adores my girlfriend (I sometimes get jealous) and that alone is enough to make me say if my Mom is for my sexuality, fuck everyone else who opposes, I have earned the approval of the only woman whose approval I desperately sought, the opinion of her offspring do not move me to self destruction in the least, my relationship with my little brother is that of a cat and dog, my mom spoiled him rotten, he was the beast amongst queens so it’s alright, I’m done obsessing over being Mom’s favourite now, anyway I used to play Hercules on him and beat him up (he’d fight back of course) but I always won, he’s grown now and he’d kick my ass, when he looks at me I swear he sees an ATM and so many times I have told him that I don’t shit money, I work for it and until that day he appreciates that sad beautiful fact of life, he will get whatever he wants (that’s if I can afford it OBVIOSLY). So getting back to the point I was trying to get across, what was I called for? What am I good at? These questions complex as they are, I believe they are related, if I do or am what I was called for I am bound to be good at it, though I doubt that being good at something automatically makes it my calling (I’m confusing myself now), doing what I was called for differs to being what I was called for and being what I was called to be doesn’t necessarily translate to doing what I was called for (I am further more confusing myself) but being as the heavens fated me can (I believe) nudge me in the correct direction so I end up (even if that’s at 50, my wrinkled stage of life) doing what I was called for. I choose 50 because it has a nice ring to it and because there is a link to it (I will explore this link shortly). My mom is 54 legally but she claims she is 55 blaming Home Affairs for this terrible mistake, if Home affairs took 5 years off my age, I would celebrate even though I wouldn’t look my age but who cares, looks can be deceiving and also I would be considered too smart for my age. So going back to my Mom’s age, she’s 54 and I don’t think her life turned out as she wanted, so she gave birth to 3 amazing beautiful daughters (me being the most beautiful) and a super thin dagga worshipping young man ( 4 wonderful obedient children she always says) but I don’t think life is about that, my mom hasn’t been on a plane (I will fly her to Durban as soon as my finances improve) nor has she been to the beach, she hasn’t done even the things life takes for granted and it scares me, how will my life be any different, I know I am not my background but she was her background and it scares me to think that there is a possibility that I could become her background. I want to do so many things she hasn’t done, make some of her dreams coming true while making the dream of not being her background come true, she must have had dreams too, could she put them on hold just so we, her offspring could dream? I would hate to think that I am the main reason her life has necessarily blossomed. The one dream I know she has is to drive a Black 4x4 Nissan Navara but how does that dream come true when she is struggling with her sight? How she will even get her license? One of my dreams is to have this dream of hers come true even if it meant breaking the law and buying her that license, of course I will teach her all she needs to know about driving. So back to the nice sounding 50, I am soon to be 25, half 50 (that’s shitty knowledge) but my worry is, it took me almost 25years to successfully ask myself the above questions and be able to answer them to myself, how long will it take to actually be the answer to these questions. I love writing poems or playing with words (calling it poetry would mean I am a poet which isn’t the truth) and a part of me strongly believes this was fated to be my bread (toasted), butter, milk and honey but I don’t know how to make this become an income. I have a full time job, by full time I mean I take commands and disrespect from people for at least 8 hours for all the 5 out of 7 days of my week. I don’t mind this though because I get paid at month end (spell peanuts) and I am able to drive my own 15 inch alloy wheeled car (listen to the music of my choice, volume on max, winding up and down my windows as I please, and the liberty to be moody whenever I want, it is my car therefore I choose when to speak) and I get to buy whatever (not necessarily) I want whenever I want but it is not my calling, I can feel it. How do I feel it? one may ask, I always count down to knock off time, working overtime doesn’t make me happy unless I get to update my blog using their resources of course, and I don’t feel I’m getting closer to realizing my dreams by being there, I am just driven by the month end pay cheque. I feel like all of this dissatisfaction with life is my fault because I fear living outside my comfort zone. I have branded what I need to be to be who I was called for in order to do what I was fated for. (Blah Blah Blah you may say) but I have concluded that I need to tap into the realm of dreams to become what I was called to be that will translate to my doing as fated, my dream is to dream a dream that will let me fulfil my dream of becoming my ordained self and doing my ordained task, I need to rid myself of dreaming dreams of yesterday and let tomorrow be an umbrella from which utter contentment will flow.
| Sisters | |
| by Lebogang Mashile I see the wisdom of eternities in ample thighs belying their presence as adornments to the temples of my sisters old souls breath in the comfort of chocolate thickness that suffocates Africa’s angels who dance to the rhythm of the universe’s womb though they cannot feel its origins in their veins Blessed am I to be love in the temple of my own skin my nappy centre kisses the sun in a harmony divine devoid of the ugly that does not know this as God but the sons of oppression never gave sisters loaves to feed the hungry fury in their bellies nor did they teach them to fish for spirit So I pray to the voices that whisper in my soft curves for the lionesses of my blood to hear the songs of the cool reeds to feel the green blood beat of cataclysm on their breasts and to know the embrace of freedom in nourishing silences where their radiant ebony vessels are reflections of their souls |
STOP KONY
Kony 2012 is a film created by Invisible Children, Inc.The film's purpose is to promote the charity's 'Stop Kony' movement to make indicted Ugandan war criminal Joseph Kony internationally known in order to arrest him in 2012.
The film has spread virally.As of 19 March 2012[update], the film had over 83 million views on video-sharing website YouTube, and over 16.6 million views on Vimeo, with other viewing emanating from a central "Kony2012" website operated by Invisible Children. The intense exposure of the video caused the "Kony 2012" website to crash shortly after it began gaining widespread popularity.
A number of celebrities have endorsed the campaign, including Rihanna, Taylor Swift, Christina Milian, Nicki Minaj, Bill Gates and Kim Kardashian. On April 20, 2012, as part of the campaign, supporters will put up posters promoting Kony 2012 in their hometowns. Invisible Children offers posters from an online shop in an attempt to gain wider recognition. They have also created action kits to help spread awareness that include campaign buttons, posters, bracelets, and stickers.
Source:Wikipedia
The film has spread virally.As of 19 March 2012[update], the film had over 83 million views on video-sharing website YouTube, and over 16.6 million views on Vimeo, with other viewing emanating from a central "Kony2012" website operated by Invisible Children. The intense exposure of the video caused the "Kony 2012" website to crash shortly after it began gaining widespread popularity.
A number of celebrities have endorsed the campaign, including Rihanna, Taylor Swift, Christina Milian, Nicki Minaj, Bill Gates and Kim Kardashian. On April 20, 2012, as part of the campaign, supporters will put up posters promoting Kony 2012 in their hometowns. Invisible Children offers posters from an online shop in an attempt to gain wider recognition. They have also created action kits to help spread awareness that include campaign buttons, posters, bracelets, and stickers.
Source:Wikipedia
Love
Mother named her Lerato,
to the world she is Aahtoo,
she calls herself Ato,
to me she is Love,
She is Love of the LoveGlori
Love personified I see the face of my maker in her
Name so beautiful I can't help but believe that she is her name,
Her name had to be her
Voice so angelic I can't help but bow down and honour the heavens for her creation
She must be the angel that got away
Beauty so rare I want to worship the grounds she walks on
Body so curvaceous I want to touch, grab and please
Lips so enticing I want to kiss and converse with her
Eyes so mysterious I want to play Alice in Wonderland and uncover the mysteries of her soul
Skin so dark I salute the Africanism in her
Heart so humble she is her name
Smile so inviting I smile when she smiles, we smile together, for a smile is all that connects strangers
I smile at her, she smiles at everyone, she is a well known personality
I sit on that bench of faith, all the fingers of my heart crossed, and hope she one day smiles at me
'till that day, I dedicate her every smile to me as if it was to, for and because of me
I smile at Love while she smiles at everyone who loves her
to the world she is Aahtoo,
she calls herself Ato,
to me she is Love,
She is Love of the LoveGlori
Love personified I see the face of my maker in her
Name so beautiful I can't help but believe that she is her name,
Her name had to be her
Voice so angelic I can't help but bow down and honour the heavens for her creation
She must be the angel that got away
Beauty so rare I want to worship the grounds she walks on
Body so curvaceous I want to touch, grab and please
Lips so enticing I want to kiss and converse with her
Eyes so mysterious I want to play Alice in Wonderland and uncover the mysteries of her soul
Skin so dark I salute the Africanism in her
Heart so humble she is her name
Smile so inviting I smile when she smiles, we smile together, for a smile is all that connects strangers
I smile at her, she smiles at everyone, she is a well known personality
I sit on that bench of faith, all the fingers of my heart crossed, and hope she one day smiles at me
'till that day, I dedicate her every smile to me as if it was to, for and because of me
I smile at Love while she smiles at everyone who loves her
©S Phohleli 2012-03-22
I still feel the cold of yester night
Words of loss still echoing in my mind
Faces of change still piercing my soul as though they were shared a minute ago
Words of loss still echoing in my mind
Faces of change still piercing my soul as though they were shared a minute ago
Fights resisting change left bruises on my heart
Rolling on that king sized bed wishing you were there to play hide and seek under the sheets with me
Can still feel the kisses you showered me with yester-week; I almost kiss myself
Your scent haunts me every time
I feel troubled and am constantly haunted by the visions I see in the mirror, I used to be happy
Thunders come at night fall, I have nobody to hold so I cry
The colds of winter are crawling closer I almost feel the cold, I have no one to cuddle with so I grieve for your loss
Our home is so empty I have conversations with myself I almost feel insane
I see you in everything I do, hear you in all the songs, I must really be losing it
I say the things you used to say to me, do the things you did so well on me, crack to myself the jokes you once shared but I am not you
I see the traces of your touch on my skin I tremble with loneliness, I call for death as if it were a friend
Pain has held us enslaved,
Loneliness provides no comfort but we both feel it so I smile
I call for you so loud I almost hear you call for me, I have lost my sanity
So far we are from one another life has led us to solitude, but we are connected, connected through pain so I'm thankful
My phone rings but it's not you calling, I throw it against the wall, I have become aggressive
Knocks on the door but it's not you so it goes unanswered, I stopped caring
Slapped with smiles from strangers as though they can see my torment, I don't smile back because they are not you
Touches, kisses and hugs from those around but I cringe with irritation as none of those come from you
Loneliness I endure with passion as it is the only thing we both share
My life filled with emptiness
Pain chewing every emotion in me
I call for death as if it were a friend
Rolling on that king sized bed wishing you were there to play hide and seek under the sheets with me
Can still feel the kisses you showered me with yester-week; I almost kiss myself
Your scent haunts me every time
I feel troubled and am constantly haunted by the visions I see in the mirror, I used to be happy
Thunders come at night fall, I have nobody to hold so I cry
The colds of winter are crawling closer I almost feel the cold, I have no one to cuddle with so I grieve for your loss
Our home is so empty I have conversations with myself I almost feel insane
I see you in everything I do, hear you in all the songs, I must really be losing it
I say the things you used to say to me, do the things you did so well on me, crack to myself the jokes you once shared but I am not you
I see the traces of your touch on my skin I tremble with loneliness, I call for death as if it were a friend
Pain has held us enslaved,
Loneliness provides no comfort but we both feel it so I smile
I call for you so loud I almost hear you call for me, I have lost my sanity
So far we are from one another life has led us to solitude, but we are connected, connected through pain so I'm thankful
My phone rings but it's not you calling, I throw it against the wall, I have become aggressive
Knocks on the door but it's not you so it goes unanswered, I stopped caring
Slapped with smiles from strangers as though they can see my torment, I don't smile back because they are not you
Touches, kisses and hugs from those around but I cringe with irritation as none of those come from you
Loneliness I endure with passion as it is the only thing we both share
My life filled with emptiness
Pain chewing every emotion in me
I call for death as if it were a friend
© S Phohleli 2012-03-22
20.3.12
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