Love struck

You told me you had your ties

Being the other woman was better than being nothing at all

Who was I to want anything more?

Made me believe having you was a privilege so I worshipped the grounds you leisurely walked on

Limited my access, always had reasons that made sense, they had to make sense

Called me to my place a million times, like a child I obeyed

I didn't care as long as we had our time

5 minutes was better than no time at all

I was insatiable, made me believe I was selfish to ever seek more than was on offer

So I remained within the boundaries without question

Who was I to question the rules you cautiously laid for me

Wasn’t gonna dare risk the little we had for the more I now wanted

At least I still had you

You were gonna leave her for me, you promised

We celebrated as I let you enter your way into my soul

Your battles with her were my entrance into your world undisturbed and unrestricted

A million days down the line

Your rules are the same

Promises still pending

Your ties now stronger

And still I remain, the other woman

© S Phohleli 2012-04-26

Let me undress you

Let me undress you
So as to unearth the truth to the lies you tell

Let me undress you

So as to clothe the body you always bare
Cover up

Let me undress you
So as to remove the cloak of doubt you always have on

Let me undress you
So as to find the reality behind the facade you wear effortlessly

Let me undress you
So as to find the child behind that face so serious, smile is a mystery

Let me undress you

So as to take you to the peak of your life as you live life abundantly, unrestricted and for yourself

Let me undress you
So as to unbutton the anger you have covering up your joy

Let me undress you
So as to liberate the pain you have stored up in your soul

Let me undress you
So as to kiss goodbye the doubtful heart you possess

Let me undress you
So as to unchain you from all that hinders the sunshine of tomorrow

Let me undress you
So as to let you let your voice sing praises to the promises soon to be fulfilled

© S Phohleli 2012-04-26

Secrete my heart

Deeper and deeper my claws go in her heart

Making me most susceptible to the pain she might cause me
She says she will never hurt me

Her human nature makes it inevitable that she will disappoint me

Yet deeper and deeper my heart finds comfort in her soul

She says she will never leave me

Her human nature makes it unavoidable that she too will find someone worthy of her love than me

She says I am her one and only

Her human nature makes it inevitable that she will find comfort in the arms of the one living in the skin that is not of me

Deeper and deeper I fall for her
Fate has it she will one day be the reason I cry at night
Rumour has it she will be unfaithful

Reality has it I will forgive all her misdemeanours

Sadness has it I will love her still unrestricted

Truth has it I will crumble..... in her treacherous arms


Can I just knock off already?

Going to the coast tonight and I am uber excited, it's been a while since I made tea for my Mom-in-law to be.

And I cannot I repeat, I Siza CANNOT wait to wave goodbye to this terrible bird nest on my head....

Oh the transition to my Afro hasn't been easy but I shall hold on and reap the fruits of beauty in the summer.

“It was a summer time when we fell in love, it was a summer time” - Beyonce go...go...go...go...go

Hello Friday...One more sleep and we will be cuddling, yep I like my sleep longer


Mother Africa

Salutations, Ululations
God must have been African
Skin so dark, voice so calm
Woman you are a lady
Hands so soft, my home in you
peace embodiment
Snapping, harmony
God must have been poetic
Heart beat, my beat
You must have been the inspiration from which my life is rooted
That beat, drum beat
God must have been a songstress
Creativity, sensitivity
God must have been a lady
Perfectionist, destiny
God must have been an artist
Intelligence, magnificent
God must have birthed Eisten
Tenderness, hospitality
God must been have a mother
Body wounded, pride bruised, prayer warrior
A fighter you are
Faithful believer, made me a believer
God lives in you
Style so simple, smile so flawless
How I love your dimple
Sensuality, sexuality
God is ability
Your body, such purity
God is a saint
Your body, so delicious
Such delicacy
Heart so big, curves so wide
Give me authority
Eyes so beautiful, visions of you I see
My mystery
Woman of mystery, let's elope
Be my compass
Kisses so rare, lips so fine
You're my privilege
Touches so pure, my compeller
Such addiction
Bosom so big, pride so little
You're my aspiration
Ego so sexy, arrogance no entry
Respectful you are
Physicality, temptations
Girl you tempt me
Positivity, agility
Lady of the future
Pain you endured, tears you've cried, humility you still bear
Mother Mary reincarnated
Soul bearing scars, patient you remain
Made me a worshiper
Your kind so rare, you are a keeper
My twilight
Beauty epitome
Heavenly connections
Earthly vibrations
Angels wearing colour
Colours of redemption
Fabrics of hope
Threads of salvation
Patches of restoration
God's beauty revealed
Salutations to Africanism
© S Phohleli 2012-04-25


The hand that destroys and builds
The hand holding pains of yesterday and joys of tomorrow


This picture spoke to my soul
A place i only tap into when I want to angage in spiritual conversations with my creator
The look on this boy’s face reminded me why I believe in God the way that I do
I believing in him in ways that are still foreign to me
in ways that make me want to sing Hosanna when his name echoes in my mind
This boy made me see life and God in a whole new light
that sometimes waiting for the rain is all the act of faith we can do
that the possibility that it will rain is what connects us to our creator
that sometimes we look up to the heaven’s to be fed, to be fed in faith, redemption, forgiveness, revival, restoration and peace, and that the wait for the rain is God’s way of filling up our buckets of faith


Trialled amities

There comes a point in life where even friendships are tested
A point where loyalties are tested
A point where the setting correct of priorities is obligatory
Have found myself in the mud of both these life vital faculties
Found myself having the decide who better buttered my bread
Found myself where my integrity is tested
Found myself being questioned if at all I have a backbone
Found myself being questioned by the one whom I prioritized, asking me am I for real? Asking me if just like everyone my intentions are to hurt, destroy and leave no stones agonizing unturned.
Have become the mother of their misery indirectly I was told

© S Phohleli 2012-04-24


Lost believer

 I think I have lost you
to a point of no return

a point where no even my shedding of tears can bring you back

You have turned deaf to my cries

Show no interest to my conversations

Where did I go wrong?

What can I do to make you believe in me once more?

What can I say to have you stop and listen when I talk?

I know the world has scarred you

I promised to never hurt you but you don't believe

At what point did my words become worthless to you?

Have we lost us?

Do I keep trying to re-incarnate us?

Anything I can do to redeem myself?

Anything I can say to lead us to salvation?
Anything song I can sing to lead you to my arms?

Any poems I can recite to win your faith again?

Any words I can create to make you listen?

For whose sin am I paying the price?

I think I have paid it in full

You silly....

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers inside, if it is wide use 3 fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up & down.
Yep that's how you wash a cup......

An Open road

Silently my friend and I made this rule and it's a  fair one, when we decide to spend the weekend together in the name of fun leaving no stones un-turned, clothes smelling of cigarettes, weed, booze and perfumes not belonging to us, arms tired from hugging strangers, shoes full of dust, sleeping till 2pm on Sunday, she is expected to come to my house and I am expected to drive her home, no matter how hang over'd I am (from undiluted fun since we both do not consume alcohol) and we have always did as expected without a fight.   

So we have just had an epic weekend and full  recovery expected to occur by mid week as we went super crazy this time around and angry girlfriends were the outcome of this mad selfish fun we always engage in. I don't see my buddy that often and we just got back together from a big messy argument that cut our communication to zero for months and such fun was our peace offering to each other and boy did we go down, you'd swear we were motherless.
As I was routinely driving my friend home after a crazy weekend, we decided to take a route we normally don't take especially at night because it is one long scary dark road, if you haven't felt complete loneliness and the rising of the back hair, you must drive there and you will appreciate not having been introduced to such emotions. It was just after 2pm and we figured we won't be the only people driving there so we went; it wasn't dark so we were fine. We weren't gonna pay any attention to the road,  we pep talked ourselves, we were gonna catch up, plan our next hook up and reminisce about the weekend, and of course talk about ways to get our girlfriends to forgive us for our transgressions. My girl wasn't talking to me and so was hers, we were both in deep shit and putting an end to this weekend's fun meant the birth of arguments in the home base and frankly I wasn't up to it, I never am up to explaining what I did and didn't do while having fun but the explanation was inevitable so we went over what could have ticked these two beautiful souls off and as usual we came to a conclusion that they were just crazy and we weren't gonna entertain them. Deep down we had solutions but we weren't about to go all emotional on our drive and ruin the last fun we were having in the car.

Changed the topic to a lighter one that was gonna carry us through to Odette's door. We listened to DJ Zinhle's new track "My name is", volume on max yet we were able to hear each other very well, of course we were screaming and boy did we wish the weekend was a week long, so not fair that we only have 2 days to dance and be totally sloshed with fun and 5 days to slave away. Sadly we got pulled over by the police. Oh flip!!  So embarrassing because I still had my PJ's on, without a bra and it was almost 3pm, and my license was in the boot so I had to go out, full of sleep and get it for this man of authority. Eish but I was tired, didn't have time to look pretty at all. Finally we got to Dee's place, waved goodbye, we will see each other soon and that knowledge was worth another party.

On my way back to the home base, anticipating 21 questions from my lady and planning 25 responses I was still not up for a fight, just not into it at all. I decided to take the scary road again, something lured me to it as if I was compelled, without question I followed the lead of my compeller, got pulled over by the police again, same guy who now wanted me to be his lady, Eeuw, Mr Man must just relax himself, told him to bring his wife and teenage daughter and we will talk and he just didn't get why I said that...anyway back on the road again, listening to music just so I don't feel as scared and lonely, I believe that this road is haunted and that the spirits, in attempts to find companionships, get into our cars uninvited when we drive, even when we are alone, we never are really alone on this road, there are always shadows on the chairs, for shadows to be seen, human-like beings need to be present. I wasn't alone. I felt the brutal piercing cold on my skin though all my windows were closed, the rising of hair and the voices in my head became louder, it was confirmed, I had company and their presence wasn't meant to go unnoticed. Said a little prayer, my eyes solely fixed on the road ahead and I saw the road with a different eye now, not making it less scary but my visions of it became heaven like.

For 45 minutes I saw only 2 cars so a lot of people must avoid this road. It's a quite road, almost unfriendly, almost too open, something about it is unholy, surely satanic, something about it is spiritual, it's the light side of the dark, and it’s not of heavenly creations I conclude. Once more, eager to get home, tired of the long winding road, I fixed my eyes on the road ahead trying to focus and to put to sleep the voices in my head, feeling no comfort from the music, I  switched off the radio and made myself believe I was not as alone as my eyes made me believe.

 This road reminded me of life, that even though we may be in the midst of million souls, when we fix our eyes on our own lives, we are just lonely beings who see nothing in the future, who because of two people passing by, believe life isn't as lonely and scary. Life is lonely, sometimes loneliness consumes us that we walk in the dark just so we can feel a change of the weather that may not always be comforting, that spirits live out there seeking companionship and because we too are lonely and vulnerable we willing yet unwillingly open ourselves so such friendships, friendship only seeking company and not promising to care for us. We walk alone, feel alone and sometimes are what we feel. Paradise can't be like this, when I think heaven I think happiness, unending laughter and peace, however hell if it exists can be found in this road, traces of hell were all over the lanes of that road, if hell wasn't there, this road must have homed creatures whose current residence is now hell. Thoughts of pain, loneliness, despair, failure reigned on me as I hit gear 6 rushing to get home, I wasn't willing to tap into that state of my life again, it wasn't gonna let this road remind me of what I failed to become and all the anguish I have endured, I wasn't about to indulge in excruciating nostalgic flashes again, it had no right to mess with my mind like that.

Turning slowly on that hazardous curve, doing 140km/h in the 80kh/h zone I finally painted with perfection the picture of hell. Pictures I prefer to not ever think about for my own sanity, for my own revival and for faith’s sake. Pictures I drew using my blood as ink, pain and loss as my inspiration, I cannot allow my mind to dwell on images that now define me anymore, I cannot delight in emotions that clouded my mind all the days of my life anymore. I have to create new images, take new paths, dreams new dreams, paint new pictures. 

Finally I got home, almost shaken, ignition on, gear one, balancing of the clutch, I was almost ready for a fight and the silence that tags along after every squabble but to my surprise instead of a fight I was blessed with a smile as I opened the door.


Come back when you can

This week is finally coming to an end, my hair still terrible but it’s okay, I don’t have to work for the next 2 days and not even my hair can take that joy away from me

Hello Friday

Let’s do this again next week... The thought of you excites me every week, when will I get the fact that you will always come for me? Until that day, I will appreciate your arrival.

I always miss you when you are gone

*Corporate Affairs*

Got to the office a lil’ bit late  today because the traffic was terrible. Stop that... it was terrible, I didn't make that up. Anyway, here I was minding my own business (Yeah I said it...contrary to popular belief, I can and was minding my own business), tryna hide the fact that I was late, though I failed because my boss saw me coming in, Lol. So like I was saying, as I was minding my own business with great success, setting up my work station and for a second something outta this world happened, this (name withheld intentionally to avoid serious beatings but I will call her Britney, she looks like Brit, well I mean before Britney lost it) lady who is my colleague who is sizzling, absolutely dazzling, was walking to the kitchen to make tea and BOOM!!!! Something hit me, it literally slapped me in the face, the revelation I mean. She makes tea every morning with her guy buddies, it's a routine the whole office knows about but today was different, she was the same but different this morning. She was dressed in black leggings, black boots, a jersey long enough to cover just her ass and left her blonde hair loose, such beauty makes me appreciate being lesbian. She was so simple  but she was just remarkably striking. Back to the moment that left me speechless, so as I was psychotically secretly staring at her as she was walking to the kitchen, this sad truth came to me, I am seriously crushing on Brit. OMW she is the only white girl I would do, she is a perfect painting of the white lesbian I would willingly offer myself to or rather pay to have her fuck me or vice versa. She has anger issues, I have seen her bang chairs and desks in the office out of frustrations but I can overlook that, I mean who is perfect in this world? She is just startlingly beautiful, her height is just perfect for me and the way she walks melts my hard-core clit to H2O, she just grates my tits to a million pieces by just saying Hi to me, she is just perfect, yeah yeah she may not have big boobs, but cahmon she still has boobs that would fit my hands perfectly and that is just enough for me. She smokes and just for her, it is okay, in fact I find it sexy. We once in a while have conversations (briefly of course) and she or rather we greet each other every day but I always take it personal, she obviously greets everyone on the floor because it is common courtesy but I have deemed her greetings to me are somewhat special and yes I know it is a lie but this very lie helps me through the 8 hours I spend in the office. Oh Brit “Don’t let me be the last to know”, my fav track by Miss Spears.

You are my now

Confirmations made without validations

Promises made with no desires to keep them

Promises made, confirmations immaterial

We are here now, for the present, delighting in sentiments dedicated to this very moment
Tomorrow is worthless

Blissful agony

You have created within me a victim
Bashing me with your love in places I never knew found residence in my skin
Whipped me with your adoration painlessly, I live to tell the tales
Suffocating me with sweet love, death I care less for
Pushing me against the walls of your heart, asking me to stay with you, I don't intend to leave 
Got bruises of your affection all over my body, blissful agony
Weakened my limbs with your undivided attention u afford me with effortlessly
Suffocating me with the pillows of your arms, it feels like home
Strangling me with your care, I still bear the love bites
Kicking me down with the foot of your heart it feels good
Pulling me forcefully with your sweet tone saying beautiful words to me
Knocking me sideways with fists full of angelic melodies, my soulful song you are
Held me captive in your heart, liberate me not
Blocked my vision, hijacking my dreams, all I see is you, leave me alone not
So happy in love I'm unhappy as I don’t know how long you intend to stick around for

Would I be all up in your grill if I asked you to promise me forever?
Mishandle me with your love all you desire, I delight in your dwelling in my heart
© S Phohleli 2012-04-20

*Struggling with this note*

Trying to hide the passion buried beneath my eyes, I look at you

I have undressed you unauthorized, you look so beautiful

We have made love without physical contact, so magical
Kissed without the touching of lips, so seductive

You made a movie of my life
Daily I replay the sound of your voice, directing you to my heart, editing the words we utter so we can be perfect, and setting to play every emotion as we go live, role playing our perfect love affair and we stop not

You have made a musician of me
Humming tunes, hitting every note with perfection as I sing my lungs out thanking the universe for your presence

Oh such poetry you have made of my life
Spitting words of glory worshipping your creator

You have made of me a murderer
One by one I have put to sleep everyone who has caused you pain, lock me up, I deserve no parole, as long as you are pain free

10 foot deep, my claws have gone in your soul

Rescue me not; I want to sink in your world,
Left no trace behind I pleasure in how lost in you I have become


Wednesday my confidante

Missing Friday so much

At least she is only 2 sleeps away

The countdown begins

The undefined definition

Treasured stolen moments
Smile epitome
sensual revolution
Emotion embrace
Prohibited delights

Love Jungle
illicit penetrations
we were unlabeled
Without tags yet we knew our worth
the messy affair
Suicide defines treasures of yesterday
Pull-push sensations
Far-here-there mystification
We subconsciously involuntarily gave a name to the nameless
Gave voice to murmuring
Wearied the strong
Saddened the blissful
slaughtered the resurrected
Gave life to what we preferred lifeless
Attached the strings we preferred unattached
Best we were undefined
Lead me back to yester-night
Don't clean us up, don't change us, I like the mess we made of each other
Where you and I were the unattached strings attached
The messed up beauty we were
Take us back to the chaotic chaos we merrily delighted in

© S Phohleli 2012-04-18

Here I am

Here I am
lying on my bed
Memories of you roaming my mind
where are you?
Did you stop crying?
I'm here
Waiting for you
Say something
Tell me you still care
Tell me you miss me
Tell me you meant every word
Tell me you haven't let me go
Let me know your heart still beats for me
Here I am
Thinking slowly
Heart beating fast
Tears rolling down my eyes
Wishing you were here
Holding me alright
Kissing me to slumber
Here I am
Asking the world to reveal you to me
Nights are cold
Eyes seek no slumber
Pain and I breathe the same air
Here I am
Wondering are you okay?
Has the world kissed you goodnight?
Has pain left your side?
Has happiness come yet?
Have you forgotten about me?
Here I am
Wishing you were here with me
Wishing I was there with you
Wishing we were together
Here I am
Seeking comfort
Seeking the sound of your voice
Missing the smile on your face
Traces of your touch still visible on my skin
Still hanging onto the scent of your skin
Here I am
Without you
Without me
Without us
Here I am
It's too late
I've lost you
I've made you cry
Here I am
Soaked in regrets
Wrapped in memories of us
Here I am
Awaiting your return
Here I am
My heart seeks your shepherd-ship

Please come home

© S Phohleli 2012-04-18


I Love this song

"Breakeven" by The Script

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven... even... no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces
One still in love while the other one's leaving
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break
No it don't break
No it don't break even no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
(Oh glad your okay now)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(Oh I'm glad your okay)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no

Usher Climaxes

So everyone has been making a big whooha of Mr Raymond's new song "Climax". I haven't listened to this song at all because of my always wanting to oppose all things unnecessarily hyped (or whatever) but I'm tempted to follow the crowd and not buy the album but download this very blown outta proportion track.
What is the big deal really I still wanna know, and because of my negativity towards this "sexy" track already I knowing myself know that I will not conclude anything good about it at all
I know the first thing that glued people to this song is the title as if they have never reached that sexual peak in their lives, cahmon it's just climaxing, we were all (whatever financial stage in our lives) destined to reach this height of sexual satisfaction in our lives so why make this very track such big of a deal?
I'm sure we have all reached that sexual realm that makes u live in the world of your own, allowing pleasure from only your sexual punisher, to reach that point of total vulnerability that if your giver decided to stop doing what they do to you, you'd explode with tears, begging them to be at it on you again, to be at a level of self sacrifice that you would agree to give up all that you hold dear to your heart just so they can lead you to that very destination unholy that even the holy one's make an escape to....
So what is the big deal about this song?
Is it because people feel that Mr Raymond has reached a stage foreign to them? Of course it is foreign to them, it is foreign to all of us, sexual pleasures even if they take us to the same place of release and utter relief, the routes getting there differ, making the world of sexual celebrations unique, mysterious and exciting. It is because of this main difference that a wife leaves her husband to be fucked by another being who according to her takes her to that place unholy cluttered with holy sin not even her husband is able to, furthermore, it is for this reason that a man will leave his wife and pay to be taken to this destination, because the paid for satisfaction will perform unrestricted, paying no mind to what you think of her, performing moves on you that makes it okay for you to call her a slut, but it is still unmentionable for a wife to do to a man what sluts are known for without being accused of cheating, being asked "Baby, where did you learn that"? Who taught you that Siza, who?  (A topic for another day).

So basically, one way or the other, we all (by fate) reach this epic stage of sexual pleasure, paying no mind to how we decide to embark on the journey to get us there...
So what is the big deal of Usher's song?
I'm still unsure as to whether I wanna succumb to peer pressure and listen to this jam...maybe I should

Maybe not

Selfish deeds

the more I travel my fingers inside your world undiscovered the more I yearn to be the only one to lead u that far...selfish you will say I am and correctly so...but the more I see you at your most vulnerable state the more I want to be the only being exposed to such beauty...unfair I know you will say...but the more I hear you moan for my satisfaction the more I want to be your only sexual punisher...impracticable I know you will say...but the more I see you long for me after every kiss every touch...the more I want to be the only one you long for...stupid you will say I am but the more I run my fingers through your scarred yet spotless skin, the more I give you sexual shivers down your spine, the more I want to be the only one bearing witness to such African beauty...the more I look inside your soul bearing such honesty, such vulnerability, such warmth, such pain, such self consciousness, such perfection,  the more I want to be the only one you ever allow to explore your inner peace like that



Dear Friday

Oh how joyful I am that you have finally come.
Truly I missed you buddy, the other days are so mean to me.
I am now counting down to knock off time

Please don't be a stranger
See you same day next week
I love you

Yours loving weekends


Something Random

... As we cum rhymes sensual we are left stimulated...you, I, we are words unuttered
... As we twirl our tongues together kissing....tangled we curl some more...beautiful catastrophe
... As we play hide and seek in each other...our bodies our compass...leaving no clues...clitoris...excitosis
... Playing Alice in wonderland trying to find our own pleasure...lost in each other...rescue me not...you are my treasure
... Interrogating our deepest desires as we reach our peak...catch me if you can...Lovers on the loose
...You are my sexual punisher...mercy not sought....my love imprisonment
...Grab you, push you away, pull you closer.... seeking discharge from this punishment you afford me so skilfully
... Sexual arguments, passionate sexual fury in your eyes, sexual rage in your voice
... Tease me, make me beg...don’t do that to me, don’t make me stop I beg of you
... Uncontrollable, love stoned, addicted to each other we are

© S Phohleli 2012-04-13

Ahhh Biatch Really?

I’m prone to being asked stupid questions... Some people just ask stupid questions....which makes me conclude (correctly so) that they too are stupid...you can’t master the art of acting stupid without becoming what you master

Below is an example of a stupid question. Some lady just asked this on Friends of Open closet (a Facebook page)
(Question as she wrote it):
*jstCurious* z there a difference btwn a les who has slept wid guys n the one who been sleepn wid chicks evr since?????????? in terms of...............u knw wat I mean!!!!!
Ever since what fool?
And No #Biatch!!! I don’t know what you mean; draw a picture for me will you?

And Lawd she still writes in MXIT lingo....is it 2012 just to me?

Soon to be Sister-in-Law turns 14 today

Happy Birthday Sisanda
I love you my angel

The MadaFucker of all bad hair days

My hair has been terrible before but the way my hair looks today or has been looking the past week is just plain embarrassing. I have relaxed hair but in the form of an afro LOL. I can’t seem to make up my mind about what I really want (hair wise). I have been on the “I want dreads” tip for a while hence this orphan look of my hair; I can’t relax it until I am sure I don’t want dreads anymore. I cut my hair in December (bad move) so now I have a used to be bob cut and like one of my friends just said, it does look like a bird’s nest. Honestly If I want proper dreads I will have to cut my hair and look like someone’s father for like a year and really I am not willing to look like that no matter the attractiveness of the output. I do not have a hot body at all so really my hair is all I have going on for me, forget the “ blah blah blah I am not my hair “ India Arie’s shit  because I am my hair, almost all women are, hence we take ages getting ready for a night out. The “you are not your hair” crap we hear usually comes from people who have no hair (I will not at all get into talking about those who have zero hairline because that is just very sad and I would not wish that on my greatest enemy) and in my case I have the most beautiful hair, so many people have accused me of wearing a weave, yep that’s how hot it is. I think the beauty of my hair was God’s apology for not giving me the hot body I admire in women and I sort of forgive him but I would have really appreciated a nice set of boobs since a flat tummy was not an option (life is so unfair, I blame Mom for that, when the other women were aiming for hot boyfriends/husbands she had to go for my Dad, I mean who does that? I am sure she was on some “beauty is in the heart” crap, plain selfishness, well beauty is in the face, body, wallet and then the heart). This is of course not the motto I live by but she should have lived by it for my creation. Anyway back to my hair, I have already established how blessed I am in terms of the perfect texture of hair, so I just can’t cut my hair, it’s socially not acceptable for people to look the way I will look after I have cut it, to paint the picture perfect for you, after cutting my hair I will look like the toy you don’t give your child at night...

Are you an ANGEL?

Got me feeling somewhat relevant,

Do you make a habit of making complete broken souls?
... To bring glory to the cursed
... To light up the paths of those walking in obscurity
... To make relevant the irrelevant
... To bring glow to the lifeless
... To bring salvation to the transgressors
... To give strength to the feeble
... To bring tranquillity to the noisy
... To make beautiful the beasts
... To make significant the trivial
... To give optimism to the despaired
Is that what you are or did you purpose yourself to become that just for me?

recent irritations

Lately I always feel the need to be nice to you
Makes me wanna vomit happy thoughts when you are nice to me...what’s up with that?
You and I just don’t do nice
Stop it already....
I miss the old us

Thank you for stopping by :)

I am on 9000 visitors and still counting....

Thank you...Yes YOU....the one reading this message

Wouldn’t have gone so far without you

Create within me a patient heart oh Lord

I am a very petulant and impatient being sometimes and that makes me impossible to be around. Small things going wrong put me off, I like things done a certain way and because I am not God and have no power in getting things done or said my way, I mope.

Today was supposed to be a good day for my blog, I was meant to be updating like an runner on steroids but I am just not feeling myself, my creative juices decided to go on leave today and that’s making me very sad....hence the moodiness today

Have we ran out of things to celebrate?

so yesterday was the president's birthday....

what was the big deal again?

When is Twilight Part 2 again because to me, that is more relevant and one heck of a big deal

Still so sad that Harry Porter is gone

So, are you like stupid?

So, how do you guys do it?

So, who's the man?

So, you are a virgin?

So, this means you will never have children?

So, you will not get married?

So, who will be the husband?

 So, do you use toys?

So, why don't you just go to men?

Not everything I write about is personal...


She cracks me up and I just love pissing her off

she is hilarious when she's mad....Lmao

I'd Rather Go Blind "Beyonce/EttaJames"

Something told me it was over,
When I saw you and her talking.
Something deep down in my soul said,
Cry Girl (Cry cry),
When I saw you and that girl walking around,

I would rather,
I would rather
go blind boy
Than to see you
walk away from me
Child no

So you see I love you
so much that I don't
want to watch you leave me

Most of all i just don't
I just don't want to be free
no (whoo whoo)

I was just,
I was just,
I was just sittin' here
thinking of you Kiss and your
warm embrace yeah

When a reflection in
a glass that I held to
my lips now baby (yeah yeah)
revealed these tears
that are on my face

And baby, baby (baby)
I'd rather be blind boy
Than to to see you
walk away
walk away from me
(baby baby baby)

Jar of hearts - Christina Perri

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I've learned to live, half-alive
Now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

Dear, it took so long
Just to feel alright
Remember how to put back
The light in my eyes

I wish I had missed
The first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back you don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

It will rain - Bruno Mars

If you ever leave me baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
‘Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don’t have it anymore.

There’s no religion that could save me
No matter how long my knees are on the floor
So keep in mind all the sacrifices I’m makin’
Will keep you by my side
Will keep you from walkin’ out the door.

Cause there’ll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...

I’ll never be your mother’s favorite
Your daddy can’t even look me in the eye
Oooh if I was in their shoes, I’d be doing the same thing
Sayin there goes my little girl
Walkin’ with that troublesome guy

But they’re just afraid of something they can’t understand
Oooh well little darlin’ watch me change their minds
Yeah for you I’ll try I’ll try I’ll try I’ll try
I’ll pick up these broken pieces ’til I’m bleeding
If that’ll make you mine

Cause there’ll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...

Don’t just say, goodbye
Don’t just say, goodbye
I’ll pick up these broken pieces ’til I’m bleeding
If that’ll make it right

Cause there’ll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...


I feel so many things for you but I can't share them with you as you might not believe me

Heartache victims

May you be freed from this misery when the time is right and have learned all that you were meant to learn with this experience...
I cry for you as I know the very emotions that haunt you at night fall,
I too have been acquainted with the demons of pains that took over your liberty to love, and your desire to see the sunshine and the moonlight
They too haunted me, kept me from slumber, planted seeds of pain in every vein
I knew them by name, they knew me by name, we chanted songs of agony together, danced in the rain of tears tapping to melodies of ache, seeking comfort from words soul piercing I have died a million deaths,
It is after all the misery that proved the existence of her whose existence made my very own existence possible...
The only connection I have with my murderer is the misery I have come to know owing to her and at times I pleasured in pain just to keep her alive
....I delighted in her loss as long as I delighted in the pain that came as a package of keeping her in my thoughts


The words you say to me make me want to cry, not because they hurt me but because I haven’t reached a stage of realizing my worth in this life and you make it sound as if I am worthy, you say to me words so impactful I almost feel important, you knowing my bare state, speak of me as someone worth paying attention to, as if I matter. You make me take pleasure in all that I have been through, not because they have stopped hurting but because you make it sound as if you would care for me even if I have encountered worse trials. You make me feel beautiful, like I breathe flawlessly, you make me feel relevant as if someone would cry if I ceased to breathe, as if you would cry if I stopped breathing, you make me feel like I matter as if people would stop and listen if I spoke, you make me pleasure in the body I live in, scarred and broken as it is, you make me feel somewhat important

I love you...

I have been recently been acquainted with a soul (so beautiful and scarred by life and all that resides in it) who prefers to say these words than hear them. She says she has grown to understand what love really is, that one must be willing to do anything for the person they say they love, love them without conditions, walk on water if it was humanly possible without fear of death and she for some odd reason deems no one will ever have this philosophy when saying these words to her

The Battle

Fought like cats fighting over milk
We were angry with what had become of us that fighting served as the only testimony to what we once were to each other, we were once souls entwined
Never could I breathe the same air as you and survive
You revealed the devil in me I left when you entered my space
You uttered words that confirmed that the feeling was mutual
I was a misery to you as you were to me
We had to hate each other just so we could still feel for one another
Silently we hoped for things to have been different
So diligent we were to win our friends over to our side of the battle, we had to stick to our story, “we wanted nothing to do with each other” became the theme for the battle
Saw you standing there meticulously flaunting what I no longer had, you played with your body so well I almost touched
I stood there, as farther away from you, you stole a million stares on me
Caught you more than once and secretly I smiled
The mutual friends we shared made the battle somewhat impossible, breathing the same air became obligatory, the involuntarily touching of skin became inevitable,
You were there, I was there, we were there together, indulging in the same air, secretly gazing at each other but we stuck to our own ends of the battle, we wanted nothing to do with each other
Steered clear of any situation that could allow of us to converse, we weren't about to be taken over by words and realize what we still meant to each other
You were there, I was there, you felt the breeze piercing your skin, you ran to me, seeking refuge
I held you, your blood flowing fearlessly, one hand on my thigh, the other exploring my skin,
You stared, I  stared, we stared, we lost the battle,  we wanted something to do with each other,
You danced for me, danced on me and I followed, leaned so close to me I felt my heart singing yesterday, had my thoughts sprinting back to the sexual celebrations we once hosted and it felt like home
You leaning so close to my lips, making suggestive  moves I was suppose to make the most of, you, I, we almost became what we swore we wouldn't become
We lost the battle, we want everything to do with each other

© S Phohleli 2012-04-10