been singing Katie Melua's Call of the search the whole day and it inspired the note bearing the very title...my version of the song is not having found the one you were destined to love hence calling off the search but it's about (fictionally) not being able or rather finding it hard to rid yourself off the one you were perhaps not destined for....read note below
********************************************************************************************************

CALL OFF THE SEARCH

Came into my life from nowhere and have now left traces of your voice, scent and smile in all that I do

Never did I envisage what's now become of us that I shiver with fear upon learning that with you I lose self control

I smile when I feel your heart beat, my eyes overflowing with tears as I have no knowledge of how to fix this beautiful mess we have diligently made of ourselves

I listen to your voice cluttered with pain, all I wanna do is hold you and tell you it's gonna be alright, yet I too am not alright

I've become so selfish, wanting to dictate what needs to be done, paying no mind to the a wreck I have made of your heart

I will not splatter you with words of regrets, selfish as it sounds; joy is all that clothes me when you and I dwell in one place

I fear not to lose you yet losing you is all that's necessary to have this cleaned up

How do I then not want to touch, kiss and fuck you if it's all that I wanna do?

How do I now pretend you haven't taken me to destinations unknown?

How do I now think of you less when all I want to think about is you?

How do I convince myself to let go so you can slowly let go where I myself have my claws buried in your heart and wouldn't want it otherwise?

How do I now call of the search when I still want you to dig inside me and locate that very emotion that rejoices in your presence?

How do we call off this gathering without us being hurt?

©S Phohleli 2012-03-30

Today's by far the best day since a whole lotta things, just got an official promotion letter to manager, I am so so so happy, don't even know what to say.

I'm thankful

Drifting from Zero

Next week Thursday LoveGlori is performing at the Johannesburg Theatre alongside The Fridge....that collaboration will surely make my world go cray cray. Drifting from Zero is what they have decided to theme this event I already proclaim magical. I haven’t seen or heard anything from The Fridge but for LoveGlori to want to be spoken in the same breath with them only means they are worth listening to...

Getting ready, ear for beautiful music set...let's go

The more you taste of my lips

... Leave trails of your tongue on my body

... Feel my skin against yours

... Make me tremble with pleasure

... Penetrate deep down my soul

... Do unto me things my mother wouldn’t swallow

... Make me beg for you to please me

... Fight with me to please you

... Anger me so I can want you

... Make you cry so you can need me

... Push you away so you can hold on

... Fuck you off so you can fuck me

So we are ON

I am going to The Soil's performance tonight, totally unplanned...ahhh what are these girls doing to me though? I know the night is gonna be epic as usual, the music will make me cry because I am sensitive like that and I know a whole of people who perceive themselves as deep will be there and uhmmm us thinking we define depth of course lol...The Soil are totally amazing with their Acapella African sounds that leave me dripping in tears, their talent's beyond any man's comprehension, their album was my Christmas gift from my manager and let's just say they are my redemption (Lol yeah dramatic but ey). My problem is that I am not dressed for the occasion and like I said it was totally unplanned but I just can't be seen dressed like this....arg but I wanna see them perform so I guess I’m gonna kick my looks to the side....

We only decided to go to this performance last night but it was too late in terms of bookings, we were told it was already full. But a friend of mine knew someone who knows someone hence tonight is possible and she just called me now telling me we are on...so we are on...

Totally Soil-ed

I'm not the type who puts her nose where it isn't needed, when I do just know I had no other alternative...

My_New_Crazies

I have recently been hanging out with 2 amazing women whom I think it’s safe to call friends, one of them is Xhosa, that’s AfroCentriq (that’s what she calls herself LOL) and Buyi isn’t Xhosa but she behaves like one so we are all just a bunch of Xhosas in love with everything artistic, our love for music has contributed to the funny epic moments we’ve had. Our first official meeting was 2 months ago at Urban Zulu Roof-Top where LoveGlori was performing (LoveGlori was the only reason we were there), and it’s been amazing ever since. You know when you are used to giving, you kinda forget what it feels like to receive, with these crazies everything I have given have been reciprocated and it feels so surreal, the spirit of sharing reigns on us and it feels amazing. As typical Xhosas, sarcasm is always in the air, jokes ready to be shared, love galore.

Being under the spell of reciprocity sure does leave me stoned and I love every second of it

Nudity

So I have these crazy friends of mine who told me that they like staying in the nude and it kinda would make me uncomfortable if I were to witness it, so I asked them to cover up especially when I’m around and shame they have been obedient so far. Mo even told me that nakedness is the purest way of worship (as in bible typa worship) and still I wasn’t sold. You can never get me to sit naked like that unless it was a different setting, with just 2 souls me being the second one, doing different things that require of me to be unclothed. I mean different settings that lead to sounds, moaning and other stuff like that. I swear I would agree to nudity only under such settings, i.e.

      In order to please and be pleased

      To uhmm do unto a soul as that soul does unto me

      Where the sound of a voice is conquered by the sound of the body

      Where foreign languages are spoken and the need to translate is irrelevant because you can decipher exactly what’s being said

      Where sounds actually become a compass to a unexplored destination

      Where the pulling of hair, grabbing of ass, sucking, licking, caressing of a whole lotta body parts is the order of the moment

So if that be any form of worship then I will worship that soul

"nd'yathandaz'uyive lengoma, izovuselela umphefumlo wakho, ik'nik'ithemb'elitsha haaa  haaa"

*Singing*

Umthwalo wam uyandisinda, ndiyacela ndiphathise *singing*

Just called Mama and she is okay now *whew*

"my mom is angry at me and I think that's why I'm still upset with you, I want to call her and wish her a safe trip but she will shit on me so I won't and that hurts me"

"I know it wasn't your fault and you did everything in your power to fix it but it doesn't make me less upset, i think I'm also hurt"

you have that
cute-overly sensitive-irritating-loud-beautiful thing
I can't help but like about you

Outcast

"I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (oh), I am for real
Never meant to make your daughter cry
I apologize a trillion times"

Because my name is fear

I will make you feel inadequate

Make you believe you are a waste of time

Make you believe people see of you what you see of yourself

No one wants to listen to you, I will make you believe

Run through your mind, make you feel as if you are possessed, screaming you can’t do it

Whisper words of failure in your ears

I will make you believe now is not the right time

Say Yes 'Floetry'

See I've been watching you for a while your smile and stuff
and I don't know if I can be with you for tonight alright,
is that alright baby, baby

There is only one for me
You have made that a possibility
We could take that step to see, ohh
If this is really gonna be
All you gotta do is say yes

All you gotta do is say yes
Don't deny what you feel let me undress you baby
Open up your mind and just rest
I'm about to let you know you make me so
All you gotta do is say yes
Don't deny what you feel let me undress you baby
Open up your mind and just rest
I'm about to let you know you make me so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so,
You make me so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so

Loving you has taken time, taken time
But I always knew you could be mine
I recognize the butterflies inside me
Sense is gonna be made tonight, tonight
All you gotta do is say yes

oh but when is pay day again?

Sunshine "Floetry"

“You know sometimes we ummm, we don't recognize our dreams inside
our reality and uh other times we're not aware of exactly
what's real ya know we walk around day dreaming but the sunshine, the sunshine always is....”

Ms. Stress "Floetry"

[Chorus:]
It's better that it hurts, it's better that it feels this way to me
I can't be too comfortable cause loving you is not my destiny

Said I'm concerned that I feel this pain my heart is aching, breaking, pain staking in this gambling thing this ain't no
parallel universe parallel life you choose to in one your living like love of my life and in the other you’re the daddy of
theirs so I play Russian Roulette and put this phone to my ear just to say, yo this is Ms. Stress

It's better that it hurts, it's better that it feels this way to me
I can't be too comfortable cause loving you is not my destiny

See too much asked of me through his lips so I attempted to be all that dreams suggest to the ego and promise the soul
I tried to be all he had ever told of the interchangeable face and physicality and mentality of she as closely ??

 He summoned all my tears abandoned we
I lived alone for years No longer knowing who exactly is Me as I began the punishment for his perfection
My vision nearly lost the direction my return to innocence was lost and his ID you see I forgot instead I saw protection
through judgment now angels and devils look alike to me sometimes quiet sounds like lonely to me

My Angel I stopped breathing for you If my life was possible without end to be sure if love I'm needing more than just a
casual affair But the pain runs deep internally But clearly seen when you’re not there

[Chorus (2x's)]

Yo, Yo, Yo It ain't my time to die right now
You to I means death of my heart my visions my dreams [2x's]

If you think life is unfair....well maybe it is

Natalie "The Floacist"

SPACE

I, you, we, you and I shared space

Conquered by space we bonded

Involuntarily yet willingly I shared tales that led you to my world

You shared tales that define you; tales so interesting the ears of my heart were hooked

Laughed at jokes we shared inadvertently

We were not supposed to pleasure in each other like that

I had my reasons, you had yours, and we couldn’t now both defy what we were there for just so we could find bliss in each other’s tales, beautifully told

You we there, I was there, but we were not there together

Made a vow with myself to my inquisitive heart that it would be a “meet and greet” typa thing

Wasn’t gonna delight myself in your presence, it was against my reasons

You without uttering a word made me want to stay, your soul so angry yet calm lured me in

I had to listen to you speak, your voice had that much supremacy in me, we silently agreed to share space

The very space that led to what has now become of us – something undefined we became

Space overwhelmed us that we pleasured in our bodies untouched

Silently we conversed loudly, our bodies hungry to touch; we unsuccessfully fought the demons that shared space with us

We were possessed, prayer wasn’t gonna be our saviour, we didn’t want any kind of saving

We were about to be the fallen angels, that was of little gravity, we cared not

We indulged in ourselves; we spoke tales of cravings through each other in each other

We became a label yet to be defined through the space we shared

©S Phohleli 2012-03-27

The Closet I feared

I think the best feeling in the life of any lesbian is to live a life out of the “closet”, and I epitomize this feeling. One of the reasons I “came out” at home was because I never wanted to know how it felt like being “in”. I didn’t wanna make up stories to my Mom, I didn’t want to refer to my girlfriend as “my friend”, it would not have been fair to her since her family (all of them) knew me as her girlfriend, so her mom still introduces me to her friend as Mbali’s friend but we all know what she is really saying, we always just smile it off. I think I was selfish in my “coming out” though I was never really “in”, I sort of cared less what anyone thought really, me and Mom fought all the time so really my sexuality wasn’t gonna magically make us best friends, instead it would make it worse. I did want her to approve but her disapproval wasn’t really gonna stop me from being with a girl, I concluded she would have to deal with it, I was gonna move out of home as soon as a graduate so I also wasn’t gonna deal with her disapproval on a daily basis. Strangely coming out did mend our broken relationship; she adores Mbali (I sometimes get jealous LOL) and tells me that if I ever break up with her, her suspicions that I am stupid would be confirmed. The fact that she’s known just one woman in my life for 5 years has made her trust that this isn’t confusion or a phase. Being an “After 9r” (straight in the day, lesbian at night) was NEVER an option, wasn’t gonna limit the way I live my life because some people were against it, I believed in the word “Freedom” more than anything else. I really wasn’t gonna live my life on lies, I wasn’t gonna live “in the closet” I’m sure it gets uncontrollably hot in there.

Too lost in you "Sugababes"

You look into my eyes
I go out of my mind
I can't see anything
Cos this love's got me blind
I can't help myself
I can't break the spell
I can't even try

I'm in over my head
You got under skin
I got no strength at all
In the state that I'm in

And my knees are weak
And my mouth can't speak
Fell too far this time

[Chorus:]
Baby, I'm too lost in you
Caught in you
Lost in everything about you
So deep, I can't sleep
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do (you do)
I'm too lost in you
(Too lost in you)

ooh
Well you whispered to me
And I shiver inside
You undo me and move me
In ways undefined
And you're all I see
And you're all I need
Help me baby (help me baby)
Help me baby (help me now)

Cos I'm slipping away
Like the sand to the tide
Falling into your arms
Falling into your eyes
If you get too near
I might disappear
I might lose my mind

I'm going in crazy in love for you baby
(I can't eat and I can't sleep)
I'm going down like a stone in the sea
Yeah, no one can rescue me
(No one can rescue me)

Oooh, my baby
Oooh, baby, baby

Hey You "Floetry"

Remember how you used to ummm, you used to phone up and (oohhh) you wouldn't say your name you, you'd just say Hey You

You know I see you on my blank sheet before I write or form oracle this situation yo, my memories choke me and stain my
pillow as my voice becomes hollow as I trace tear lines around this space that won't fill yo I feel nothing but this way and
the emptiness stays and its cluttered with a silence that teases me it leads me on like it's gonna say, like it's gonna say

Hey You, I'm Sorry that I have to leave I'll try to come back oohhh,
Hey You I'm sorry that I have to leave I'll try to come back one day

You know yesterday I stood outside in the rain in an attempt to dissolve away or just disappear or be gone be back or be
just I try to see the point but I only see the pain My dreams cry when they're slain I regain consciousness to blurry vision
I try to listen out for whispers of

Hey You, I'm sorry that I have to leave I'll try to come back oohhh,
Hey You I'm sorry that I have to leave I'll try to come back one day

Rain Drops disguise my tears have gone
I want you to be here with me to
stand by me
Said I can't help but to be selfish baby cause I don't wanna be alone

Did I leave you behind or did you let me go
All I know is you're not here to say to me those special words (Hey You)
Time was once on our side but now it's against us It parts us and we're not always (saints?)

If there is anything that comes natural with me, it is admiring hot girls, the educated people normally, because of this habit, call me a “Pervert”. I mean you can’t have beautiful round boobs fitting my hands perfectly and a fine hard ass all in one hot body preferably with a beautiful face (tests have proven that I am allergic to non-pretty girls and the title “shallow” that comes with it I have accepted) and expect me not to admire you...I’m just appreciating God’s work

I’m sure there is a scripture in the bible that says “If you have eyes use them”

Getting late - Floetry

Baby
Ooo baby
baby,baby
ooo um baby
oh baby

[1st Verse (Natalie Talking)]
We need to um talk about where
We're taking this thing.
How far we're gonna let this go.
We've been here before.
Its getting late.

[Chorus 1 (Marsha Singing)]
It's getting late.
Why you gotta be here?
Beside me.
Watching, needing, wanting me.
I'm afraid, (Don't Be)
I'm afraid, (Don't Be)
I'm so scared that you'll hurt me, twice.
Baby, oh baby baby baby

[2nd Verse (Natalie Talking)]
Listen, I've already been thinking about you on my mind.
Far too often for you,
To be here at this time
You see, one hands on nine and the other's on my thigh.
Look,I already played with the idea of you
Being here in the mornin
And the position for the crack of dawn
And the conversation before the yawning
But aah, it's getting late.

[Chorus 2 (Marsha Singing)]

It's getting late.
Why you gotta be here?
Beside me.
Watching, needing, wanting me.
But I'm afraid, (you say) don't be.
But I'm afraid, (you say) don't be.
I'm so scared that you'll hurt me twice.
Oh Baby baby baby

[2nd Verse (Natalie Talking)]

How's about I let you touch the space.
That you left behind,
The day that you stop smiling
The day that the tears started falling
But now were talking, touching
Almost making sensual again
We can taste the familiar,
Cause, the family hour supports it.
Of this moment,but was led by the movements cause ah
It's getting late.

[Chorus 3 (Marsha Singing)]
It's getting late.
Why you gotta be here?
Beside me.
Watching, needing, wanting me.
But I'm afraid, (you say) don't be.
But I'm afraid, (you say) don't be.
I'm so scared that you'll hurt me twice.
Oh Baby baby baby
Oh baby twice baby baby.

[3nd Verse (Natalie Talking)]

I see the memories we replayed
Same space face bodies
I know there's a method to your manliness
but ah I'm a afraid

[Chorus 3 (Marsha Singing)]
It's getting late.
Why you gotta be here?
Beside me.
Watching, needing, wanting me.
But I'm afraid, you say don't be.
But I'm afraid, and you say don't be.
I'm afraid that you'll gonna hurt me baby, baby twice baby

[Ending Chorus 4]
I see the memories replayed, same space, same place
Same bodies baby I know this method to your manliness
But I'm afraid, babe
I see the memories replayed, same space, same place
Same bodies baby I know this method to your manliness
But I'm afraid, baby

We need to um talk about where
we’re taking this thing.
How far we're gonna let this go.
We've been here before.
It’s getting late.

It's getting late.
Why you gotta be here?
Beside me.
Watching, needing, wanting me.
I'm afraid, (Don't Be)
I'm afraid, (Don't Be)
I'm so scared that you'll hurt me, twice.
Baby, oh baby baby baby

Listen, I've already been thinking about you on my mind.
Far too often for you,
to be here at this time
you see, one hands on nine and the other's on my thigh.
Look, I already played with the idea of you
Being here in the mornin
And the position for the crack of dawn
And the conversation before the yawning
But aah, it's getting late.

How's about I let you touch the space.
That you left behind,
The day that you stop smiling
The day that the tears started falling
But now we’re talking, touching
Almost making sensual again
We can taste the familiar,
Cause, the family hour supports it.
Of this moment, but was led by the movements cause ah
It's getting late.

I see the memories we replayed
same space face bodies
I know there's a method to your manliness
but ah I'm a afraid

She was totally amazing, totally blew me away and then I woke up...are we able to encore dreams? Oh but she was amazing, all up in my face the way I like it...I mean is there a school where people learn to be beasts ‘cos baby, lady was an animal...didn’t sleep a wink, never knew it was possible to be awake in dreams, I won’t admit to this if anyone asked me but I am willing to lose sleep over her anytime....so baby let’s live last night again tonight...oh yester night how I yearn for you (now that’s a first)

“Fuck me good, fuck me long, fuck me numb”

My friend once shaved my eyebrows off (I cried and she kept saying sorry, I wanted my eyebrows back and not an apology, told her to save her sorry ass for someone who actually needed it (but in a much ruder way) and then I cried some more, you would also cry if you had the bastards of the colleagues I called friends LOL); don’t know what the heck she was thinking and my friends at work (as expected) laughed their asses off and uhmmm guess what, they gave me a pet name, bitches called me “Surprise” and “Smanga” (that’s Surprise in Zulu) saying I looked surprised all the time (I did though but I just didn’t wanna hear it especially from them)...They made fun of me until they grew back, so that was a month long of mockery and I swore I wouldn’t be made feel like that ever again... So I went to the salon this weekend to just tweeze them and that bitch almost repeated history with me like WTF (haven’t I been punished enough?). I clearly said “please just shape them” not fucken remove me, and then I reminded her again to shape them, when I felt the razor in a place it shouldn’t be I yelled “just stop”, but in my mind I was screaming “Bitch just fucken stop”. Lady acted as if she didn’t understand Zulu, like WTF (who works at a Salon in Southgate mall and can’t understand Zulu, she was just fucking with me, she could tell I was mad then decided to play dumb, well that was smart of her though ‘cos I was about to go frantic on her ) and she had the nerve to ask me if I still want her to continue shaping them, there is a difference between shaping and shaving and bitch only understood shaving....I was so paranoid I was asking everyone at the mall if I looked funny and those ladies all said I looked fine, I didn’t believe them though, I thought they just didn’t wanna hurt me, spirit of Ubuntu my ass, I wanted the truth and no one wanted to tell it, I was really scared, I wasn’t scared of having no eyebrows, I was awfully scared of being called “Surprise” again...

Novocaine, baby, baby, Novocaine, baby, I want you
Fuck me good, fuck me long, fuck me numb
Love me now, when I'm gone, love me none
Love me none, love me none, numb, numb, numb, numb

{Frank Ocean}

"Hate Sleeping Alone" - Drake

[Verse 1]
She said kiss me like you miss me, fuck me like you hate me
And when you’re fucking someone else just fuck her like she ain't me
Damn, those words are scary, those words are scary virgin Mary
I just tell her to spare me
I was in love 2 years ago and gave the baggage to my ex
It’s all for her to carry, bags she deserve to carry
I hate that hoe, I make it so hard just to talk, don’t I?
I get on topic don’t I? I get it poppin’ don’t I?
I’ll end up stopping won’t I? And by the time I end up stopping
You’ll be rocking one of the rings you pointed out while shopping with a nigga don’t lie
She’s losing it right now, cause if I wasn’t who I am, she woulda been moving in by now
But instead we’re moving slow, I guess she’s used to it by now
And she gives me all her trust and I’m abusing it right now
But this money coming in is just confusing shit right now
You just told me I ain’t shit and I guess I’m proving it right now

[Hook]
I say I’d rather be with you but you are not around
So I’mma call somebody up and see if they be down
Cause I hate sleeping alone, I hate sleeping alone
Half the time we don’t end up fucking, I don’t ask her for nothing
Leave me in the morning, I don’t see ‘em for months
But I just hate sleeping alone, I hate sleeping alone
So she’s here and we’re both so throwed

[Verse 2]
Hotel to hotel, girl I could use your company
Full name and birthday, I book a flight and you come to me
But she don’t want a weekend, she wants all of me or none of me
If she can’t work with all of me then she say she done with me
You say that you over me you always end up under me
You know how it goes, don’t be crazy, don’t play dumb with me
Don’t start with yo shit, I put you back in yo place
She tells me “I bet you won’t, you won’t say that to my face”
And hang up yeah, how dare you tell me it’s tougher for you
Like I don’t hear about the niggas you fucking with, too
And whoever I be with, they got nothing on you
That’s just something to do when there’s nothing to do
Yeah, but she’s losing it right now
She has choices she should make I think she’s choosing it right now
One more chance to make it right, I think I’m using it right now
You just said I never learn I guess I’m proving it right now

It must be shitty knowing you are someone's shitty situation, well upon learning that I was just this to someone I felt exactly as their situation...shitty as hell

Bothers me that she didn't say a word to me the whole night but I'm gonna act like I don't care...

♥ I'm in love with you...JUST YOU...as you are for what you are and for what I've become owing to the way you are ♥

Loneliness has a name

I know loneliness by name

She is that loose cannon unable to keep her panties on

She’s been inside every being alive, led to the death of others, the home wrecker, the community slut, pays no mind to gender nor race, only for that trait do I salute her

Always up in my face reminding me of what I don’t got

She creeps on me every other second she gets asking me to entertain her

Running through my mind ruthlessly like lice on hair seeking my attention, like dude are you mad?

Unwillingly I entertain her but we both know she’s no good for me. Story of my life

She’s been known to make one thing of me.... A cry baby

Even after her purpose is done she sticks around so I know what she’s about, hanging on me terribly like some flu sore, she just doesn’t get that I get the picture she’s painting for me... I get it, Got it...

I hate it when she thinks she’s welcome in my life because she is not

Acting as if we are on a pet name basis, she needs to leave me alone

I don’t like her and she knows it but bitch just can’t leave me alone

I know loneliness by name and she is close buddies with pain like WTF

Calling themselves the messengers of mass destruction

Loneliness calls me by name

© S Phohleli 2012-03-23

 

What would I like to achieve through this blog, Nomonde asked me.

I was like Whoa! Deep much...

I hadn't thought about it with such depth. Honestly, I hadn’t thought about it at all, I don't know what I want to achieve yet, but I like the feeling of contentment I get after every post, if that be any measure of achievement. I get to say the things I want to say, the way I want to say it with no fear of being reprimanded, I get to say to myself the things even my mom wouldn't swallow because they define the emotion in question. I post the pictures I want to post, pictures raw my father would wake from the dead and give me a hiding if he ever logged on my blog.

In the beginning it was just about getting followers but now it’s about the visitors I get, as it means to me that someone took time to want to know me through the words and the pictures I share. I recently went through one heck of a change in my life that scares me to death because I fear I am not good enough sometimes I feel I’m drowning, and my blog happened to be the digital friend I never thought I needed, it allows me to share experiences that people fear to talk about, to utter words that people are never strong enough to utter even to themselves, it allows me to lay with respect and at times disrespect images that define the past, the present and aspirations, it allows me to share a part of me I had never shared even with myself before my blog became me.

So if by achieve Monde meant getting to know myself and slowly realizing my calling then what I want to achieve through this blog is just that. I want to tell my stories without opposition, create tomorrow without limits, tell tales of yesterday without pity; talk about matters of the heart, life under the sheets with no shame; and tell stories to myself for myself while telling them to the world.

I am

Woke up today on some "I am what I am which isn't socially acceptable otherwise known as a lesbian" tip.

I am not trying to explain what I am so I can get people reading about my true identity, I say these things to myself so I can educate myself about myself because I too am learning to become what I am the best way I was fated to, if fate be the cause

I am not trying to go Lady Gaga on the world screaming I was born this way because I wasn't, I also won't say I have learned to become what I am through the world, selfishly pointing hate fingers to the world because I would hate to think that I am a product of someone's doing

I am what I am because I am and I feel no need to explain how it came about because I am not my past transgressions if you want to call it a sin, I am is the present, I will remain what I am is my calling to the future

I am not what I am because I have wounds of the past, I am what I am, this thing as you speak of it, because once upon a time a soul clothed in a woman skin blinded me by love that gender ceased to matter

I am what I am because I enjoy being what I am when the one who gave life to what I am, is loving me for it

I am what I am and if you must clothe me with labels, call me Lesbian

© S Phohleli 2012-03-23

lesbians tales

We have lesbians mostly the labelled butch lesbians who are mothers to their sons and daughters but they, at times unquestioned, feel the need to fabricate a painful lie saying they were raped, how does one prefer to be known for having gone through this painful moment just so they can confirm they hate men or dick or whatever comes in the body of a man. I would hate to think that people are gay or lesbian because they hate men. Being raped means someone forced themselves on you and that isn’t something to lie about, some innocent men have been jailed for lies told jokingly but were too late to be untold, we do have sick minded men who rape women just because they are sick and psychotic but such men are not the origin of homosexuality. Some people have been converted to lesbians because they were molested by the men in their lives (sad I know) but some people are lesbians because they are sexually, emotionally, physically and psychologically attracted to women. Why do we feel the need to act like we were never into men if we were (as programmed by life) before feeling these feelings? Some people are being called less of lesbians because they also fuck men, some people are just bisexual, bi-curious, however the world chooses to label them but they are just women who like fucking or being fucked by both women and men, at different intervals hopefully for safety reasons, but bisexuals (if truth be our saviour) aren’t (at all) really worthy of the title ship lesbians if we want to be technical about it, because by definition (Thank you Wikipedia), a lesbian is of or relating to homosexual woman, where homosexuality refers to "an enduring pattern of or disposition to experience sexual, affectionate, or romantic attractions" primarily or exclusively to people of the same sex; "it also refers to an individual's sense of personal and social identity based on those attractions, behaviors expressing them, and membership in a community of others who share them, while bisexuality is sexual behavior or an orientation involving physical or romantic attraction to males and females, especially with regard to men and women The one thing that connects true lesbians and bisexuals is their love for women, half or not, the love for women lives within them and that’s enough.  We also have has-bians who were bold enough to experiment just to confirm that pussy, fingers and boobs just aren’t for them. We have dealt with racism; we are still dealing with it, we are dealing with homophobic people who will not sleep until all lesbians are converted to what is perceived biblically and socially tolerable (little fuckers) and now we have homophobic people within the homophobic sexuality of life. We can’t hope with such hate, I mean, We are already dealing with people who hate us because we are black and others who hate us because we are lesbians, now we have people hating us because we are not lesbian enough, like WTF, Don’t we  already have enough on our plates?

the friends I collect

So my friends are angry at me because I don’t write about them on my blog (well YET is most appropriate), I don’t blame them for beefing but cahmon, they can’t rush me, The only reason (emphasizing ONLY) I write about Teko is because uhmm flip I have no excuse, ok well it’s because I can, this person puts up with all my fuckery at work so I owed her that much and besides she has a tumblr so I gotta market this Cinnamon Clouds author (see I have an excuse) *cinnaclouds*. So really what do I say about Amo except that she is an amazing friend who has been trying to build a blog with an amazing unique name (beautifully titled) for as long as I have been blogging? She introduced me to the music of the Soil, my life was never the same, and like any writer she thinks she’s deep. Then there is Fifi, recently broke up with her boyfriend she now calls fat (lmao talk about a woman scorned), till today we don't know how old this fella was, 25 or 45 years of old, we stopped asking because the more we asked Fifi the more she got confused. She’s now dating (maybe not) this guy who she claims has a small what-what, the pecks of being friends with straight people is that you get to hear about dick more than pussy. Anyway, she also is amazing person, loves dressing up, never without make up and is friends with a girl named Sandra who she thinks looks like Rihanna who we (Me, Teko and Amo) think is bewitching her, LOL. Then there is Bongeka (Bongi, Da Bongs, your girl B - I just can’t keep up with so many names), she is what you’d call a ghetto girl, born and bred in Soweto but she is no typical Soweto chick, has an Marketing honours in her name, studying towards her second honours in Logistics and the very thing that sets her apart from the ghetto lines is her not having a boyfriend, Oh my word, I have known Bongz for over 3 years and she is still single. There is nothing wrong with my friend but guys are just not going her way, I have suggested she off ramps to the homo-route if need be but she swears she is a dick sucking typa girl. She is tall, has a body to die for, dark skinned, amazing sense of humour, Xhosa and ahem wait for it, she drives an Aygo. She used to drive a Yaris, but decided to downgrade to a lower lower segment in the car market just so men could feel less intimidated by her, I doubt it’s working though (she’ll flip if she reads this, Lmao I will say Teko made me say all these things). Then there was Jonia, she talks crap, Jesus’ freak and will make you laugh you pussy off, she recently bought a house and moved in like a week ago, totally proud of my friend, she’s achieved what we are all yet to achieve, I salute her, she’s hosting a house warming in 2 weeks and she demands presents (no she isn’t joking, she wants presents). And lastly there is Abby, she is very short (No No No don’t think midget), she is short in a normal way, so she’s also amazing, has a killer smile and is busy organising a trip for us in May to Bela Bela, the one common thing between my friends is that they are all just amazing and I will stop right there.

I enjoyed high school, not because I had a lot of friends because I didn’t, but because I was extremely intelligent that the other kids got so busy wanting to get as many awards as I did that I never got bullied. Anyway I had a friend named Snazo who recently (by mistake of course) told me that she was lesbian and we never spoke ever since, I think she thought I was homophobic and I that I would judge her, I mean I would never, is it even possible to be a homosexual who is homophobic? I am still waiting for her to come back to me though because I still want to know the details. Back to my enjoying high school, I enjoyed all the subjects, except for maths, I failed it from grade 8, I have never gotten any mark more than 20%, it wasn’t for me and I didn’t understand it, sometimes I would re-write questions as they are, just to frustrate Mr Bathebeng, I was convinced he didn’t like me and made myself believe that my question papers must have differed from the rest of the class. I failed this bastard of a subject throughout all grades, I got an ‘F’ in Matric and I wasn’t surprised. Anyway because I had failed this at High school, my degree was extended to 4 years because I had to do a bridging course what-what and I finally passed it, with a distinction, made a conclusion that in high school, it wasn’t me, it was him. But where was I supposed to use this newly acquired knowledge? It’s not like I could break up with a girl because X + 5y didn’t equal XY, and also I wasn’t gonna cheat on my girlfriend and give her the square root of 70 being equal to 7 excuse, that alone would call for a beating or be late at work and tell my boss that the traffic was:

 Sin 2(a) = 2 Sin (a) Cos (a) therefore tan 2(a) = 2 tan (a)/1-tan² _{(a), I mean that’s calling} for a warning.

So where do I use this knowledge?

Words to never call me by

• Darling
• Sweety / Sweetheart
• Dear
• My chocolate
• Pretty

I usually just prefer being called Siza if that's okay with you me!!!

Thanks

i hear the Lion king was based on a true story...

so I got paid today (YAY not)... when is the next pay day again? 34 days away....

Fuck I wanna go to hogwarts...

it's not me, it's you

There come a point in life where "I love you" just isn't enough and now happens to be that point. I think we should break up? Matter of fact, let's break up. Actually I am breaking up with you. I know you will hate me and listen to Adele all day-night long; musing over of what was, now is and never will be but could have been if we both tried a little harder. Never mind you will find someone like me

My boss has a disgusting habit or two, no I'm not talking about not having brakes on her mouth, or her sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, literally... ahem (talking about her nose) she picks her nose a lot like err'time lady's got fingers all up in her nose like WTF, and she once picked it so hard it nose bled. EEUW!!! My friend Teko (cinnaclouds) was disgusted beyond me, Lol...anyway she also picks her ears and whatever she picks out from either of those holes goes straight to the mouth...

POET'S CORNER

I run to my happy place called misery
I run from myself while bumping into myself, involuntarily I stop and stare adorning the scars life left on my face
I try to find words bombastic like those of Shaggy so I could earn the title of a poet
I sprint to loneliness when words bombastic flee from me telling me I'm a simple being
Words so simple yet complex and tormenting visit my mind and I lose myself to them
I become cutter, cutting myself with a razor of words, , I diligently cover the wounds from the eye of the world
I in simplicity seek to find words bombastic so I can professionally bring to light the intensity of the pain I once felt
I feel pregnant with words yet I don't know the father
I grow pimples of words on my face I'm starting to show, the elders will start to question
I vomit words so simple yet bombastic and pained, my mother can't swallow
Asking me who impregnated me with such lessons, she seeks to end the perpetrator’s  life
Wishing I was a barren and had let those words remain in me -unshared, but it's too late the elders already know
I run to my corner of happiness called misery I question my foolishness, wishing I had aborted this thing, , pain had no mercy, it sure wasn’t gonna be treated as human so it became the thing unnamed
I should have, could have, would have, define this moment of my sitting on my vomit
I scream I wasn't ready, my mother has turned deaf
I cry, words raped me, yet no one will catch a case
I heavy with words, close to delivery, try to find the father
The father was a she and she already had a home, she called me a home wrecker
While she feasted on me, taking my innocence, she paid no regard to her responsibility
time came, I was alone, I delivered a boy
I named my boy words and he gave birth to a new me
A soul so pure, I see a glimpse of paradise, I decide to keep him
I run to my corner, hoping to one day earn the title of a poet, and thank the heavens for this revelation

©S Phohleli 2012-03-23

A note to the Love of my Life

Mbali

Who is she?
What is she?
Could she be a he?
Who is she hiding behind that he?
She portraying a he so elegantly stole my focus
Infiltrating my mind with her dirty presence I will not spring clean her off
She he is taking over my dreams I fear she wants to make me hers
I rush the night to befall on me so me and her can resume our gathering
He she is a girl unnamed but strongly felt
A rugged girl she is she is almost a man
Uninterested but interested in her sexuality I questioned her shyly
Willingly she divulged the intimacy of her being I was hooked
We played question and answer until we both felt bare to each other
She is so strong so beautiful so amazing she became the girl of my dreams
She speaks so softly acts like a gentlemen she opens the doors for me
She beautifully strange I engage in conversations with her trying to understand her world
A world I would never have been acquainted with had she not gazed at me that day
A world controversial only the real will survive
She again holds me by the hands, leading me down the paths of her experiences I shed a tear,acting unmoved by my tears, she continues to educate
She shared with me tales of the past, I wanted to create with her memories of tomorrow
Unsure of my decision to tap into this world unknown, I asked her to direct me
She became my leader, my mentor, best friend, a mother, a father and now my lover
We together told stories of love in hopeless places
She was my story, I was hers
Together we tell tales of what tomorrow will be

© S Phohleli 2012-03-23

My girlfriend drinks, she is a type who once in a while will drink to get drunk. I don't mind her drinking, she drank way before she even knew I existed so I wasn't gonna change the poor child, even if I did mind her drinking, it would not make her stop, drinking is one thing she wouldn't change even if it made me happy, I think she has a "till death do us part "contract with liquor city. We, no matter how low on the rand we are, always have to have R60 for at least one 6 pack hunters dry (before it was savannah).
My point... (not yet)...the one reason I don't mind her getting drunk is because when she is drunk (not zoned out) we fuck for hours, I am always in need for such good times because of the work I do, she has labelled me (correctly so) a sex slave, she's stayed with me all these years so she clearly isn't put off by this insatiable craving. My point is, I may not have told you that she now stays 7 hours, 5 toll gates, 62 litres of fuel and a million speed traps, away from me (now you know), we are in a long distance relationship, the hardest shit like constipation but we are doing it, some days are worse than others but yesterday takes the cup. So I was chatting with her last night, saying our good-nights and all, also was telling her that I wrote a note for and about her, she asked me to email it to her  (she doesn’t get this blog thing) so I did and she loved it, while trying still saying goodbye in the words of I miss you, I love you, come home, I will call you tomorrow, she was a bit ahem too in love and she gets like that mostly when she's drunk but Arg she couldn't have been because we were both broke, yesterday was the day before payday after all, I made myself believe until she told me goodnight, baby ngiphuzile yazi (I'm drunk) and I was like damn, imagine the sex...then I said goodbye baby...

Poetry Brothel

I can’t help myself; I have willingly sold my soul to the poetry pimp

I want to be her poetry slut, words-whore, rhymes slave, whatever pleased her I declared I would become
 
I am a self-confessed junkie, she was impressed 

I let her control me as I prostitute my way to the altar of words

She uses me to her satisfaction but I too am satisfied

I take pleasure in being pained in words so I begged for more whippings

She pays me for my words but I would do it uncharged

She indulges herself in me, saying she sees potential in me; she would like to understand what they see in me

She would like to hear what they hear through me she says

I’m her best asset, she intends to keep me. I overhear her blabbing to her fellows

I must have been good to have her drink tea over me

Must have licked her instrument first-class to have her lose sleep over me

I run her brothel, the sovereign of the poetry brothel she calls me

Whispers sweet nothings to my ear as she begs me to perform on her

I play hard to get as I make her beg some more

She likes it rough so I tear her clothes, grind her, grab her, scratch her, fuck her, and suck her dry with words in languages even she can't comprehend

Speak in codes even she can’t decipher but she follows my lead as if she understands my direction

Spreading her legs of words wider, making more room for me, I drive her wild

She screams wildly, holding me tight for words of satisfaction, I do her well

I just before she screams ‘save me’ stop, driving her to insanity, lick her some more with words of satisfaction, she says she forgives me; I’m her redemption she says

Don’t stop! There! No! Yes! Ahhh! Right there! I’m close! Don’t stop! I’m cumin! Yes! Bitch! Lord! Don’t stop! She came

Oh God, I’ve turned a sinner to the heavens

She wants this to be hers and hers alone, but I can’t marry my master so I turn down her pleas

Agree to be her mistress of words, she reluctantly agrees to my offer

Must be damn good to make a woman as powerful as she is want to be tied down in matrimony

I run her brothel, the queen of the poetry brothel she calls me

©S Phohleli 2012-03-22

today's the day before pay day and I have so many things on my wishlist

How far down the list will my salary take me this month I wonder

Choose the words you listen to...