For as long as I have started thinking for myself and making my own decisions I have always asked myself what I am good at?  I have dismally failed at being the best daughter and sister as I fight with my Mom and siblings all the time, the fights with my mom are getting better though, I have started calling her just to say Hi and ask about her day (she always asks me the same thing lately, when are we going to see her Mother in the Eastern Cape who recently had a heart attack but survived, HALLELUYAH) and she has learned to appreciate me as a person and not just my money, my relationship with my sisters couldn't be any worse, we are not talking and I’m okay with that, I think they silently hate me for my sexuality but I really don't care what their views are because Mom is okay with me being queer, she adores my girlfriend (I sometimes get jealous) and that alone is enough to make me say if my Mom is for my sexuality, fuck everyone else who opposes, I have earned the approval of the only woman whose approval I desperately sought, the opinion of her offspring do not move me to self destruction in the least, my relationship with my little brother is that of a cat and dog, my mom spoiled him rotten, he was the beast amongst queens so it’s alright, I’m done obsessing over being Mom’s favourite now, anyway I used to play Hercules on him and beat him up (he’d fight back of course) but I always won, he’s grown now and he’d kick my ass, when he looks at me I swear he sees an ATM and so many times I have told him that I don’t shit money, I work for it and until that day he appreciates that sad beautiful fact of life, he will get whatever he wants (that’s if I can afford it OBVIOSLY). So getting back to the point I was trying to get across, what was I called for? What am I good at? These questions complex as they are, I believe they are related, if I do or am what I was called for I am bound to be good at it, though I doubt that being good at something automatically makes it my calling (I’m confusing myself now), doing what I was called for differs to being what I was called for and being what I was called to be doesn’t necessarily translate to doing what I was called for (I am further more confusing myself) but being as the heavens fated me can (I believe) nudge me in the correct direction so I end up (even if that’s at 50, my wrinkled stage of life) doing what I was called for. I choose 50 because it has a nice ring to it and because there is a link to it (I will explore this link shortly). My mom is 54 legally but she claims she is 55 blaming Home Affairs for this terrible mistake, if Home affairs took 5 years off my age, I would celebrate even though I wouldn’t look my age but who cares, looks can be deceiving and also I would be considered too smart for my age. So going back to my Mom’s age, she’s 54 and I don’t think her life turned out as she wanted, so she gave birth to 3 amazing beautiful daughters (me being the most beautiful) and a super thin dagga worshipping young man ( 4 wonderful obedient children she always says) but I don’t think life is about that, my mom hasn’t been on a plane (I will fly her to Durban as soon as my finances improve) nor has she been to the beach, she hasn’t done even the things life takes for granted and it scares me, how will my life be any different, I know I am not my background but she was her background and it scares me to think that there is a possibility that I could become her background. I want to do so many things she hasn’t done, make some of her dreams coming true while making the dream of not being her background come true, she must have had dreams too, could she put them on hold just so we, her offspring could dream? I would hate to think that I am the main reason her life has necessarily blossomed. The one dream I know she has is to drive a Black 4x4 Nissan Navara but how does that dream come true when she is struggling with her sight? How she will even get her license? One of my dreams is to have this dream of hers come true even if it meant breaking the law and buying her that license, of course I will teach her all she needs to know about driving. So back to the nice sounding 50, I am soon to be 25, half 50 (that’s shitty knowledge) but my worry is, it took me almost 25years to successfully ask myself the above questions and be able to answer them to myself, how long will it take to actually be the answer to these questions. I love writing poems or playing with words (calling it poetry would mean I am a poet which isn’t the truth) and a part of me strongly believes this was fated to be my bread (toasted), butter, milk and honey but I don’t know how to make this become an income. I have a full time job, by full time I mean I take commands and disrespect from people for at least 8 hours for all the 5 out of 7 days of my week. I don’t mind this though because I get paid at month end (spell peanuts) and I am able to drive my own 15 inch alloy wheeled car (listen to the music of my choice, volume on max, winding up and down my windows as I please, and the liberty to be moody whenever I want, it is my car therefore I choose when to speak) and I get to buy whatever (not necessarily) I want whenever I want but it is not my calling, I can feel it. How do I feel it? one may ask, I always count down to knock off time, working overtime doesn’t make me happy unless I get to update my blog using their resources of course, and I don’t feel I’m getting closer to realizing my dreams by being there, I am just driven by the month end pay cheque.  I feel like all of this dissatisfaction with life is my fault because I fear living outside my comfort zone. I have branded what I need to be to be who I was called for in order to do what I was fated for. (Blah Blah Blah you may say) but I have concluded that I need to tap into the realm of dreams to become what I was called to be that will translate to my doing as fated, my dream is to dream a dream that will let me fulfil my dream of becoming my ordained self and doing my ordained task, I need to rid myself of dreaming dreams of yesterday and let tomorrow be an umbrella from which utter contentment will flow.