22.3.12

I was partially responsible, that much I admit. It was always just us and we swore we wouldn’t let anything come between us. We had a fight as terrible as this before but this one feels permanent, we both were in relationships, me in one long committed relationship and she was always the one scared of a commitment so she hopped around a lot, I accepted her for that, it worked for her and I was her friend not God. We became friends while I was still in varsity and we were inseparable, had a fight that cut our communication for months but we found a way to each other again. Now we were serious, we knew things about each other the world could never imagine of us, we were so close that whenever I called her crying she’d quickly take a Taxi to my apartment and tell me a million jokes, dance like a maniac, sing for me, she knew she had a terrible voice and tell me how ugly I am when I cry and boy did she used to crack me up, I miss that about her. She became to me the twin sister I never had, she knew me as much as I knew her, she lived her life (love life) carefree and I was the serious type, I suppose she loved that about me because she’d get jealous if anyone showed interest in me, on a friendship basis of course. She was my only friend I assured her of that, sometimes stoop on the high school kinda low and tell her she is my best friend, not that she wasn’t my best friend but mature people called it “closest friend”, we painted every town red, she was a people’s person, cracked everyone up I felt lucky, we had to be the image of a true friendship. She said I was moody and controlling, well she was irritatingly amazing of a friend, I had my flaws, she had hers, but we shared a friendship so beautiful we overlooked our own imperfections, to the world we were perfect, to each other we were impossible, saying these words just made me miss her more, before our split she had developed a new irritating habit of not apologizing when she is in the wrong and that used to drive me insane, actually that was an old habit it was just perfected, she knew she drove me mad, I think that’s why she did it. Thank you, please and I’m sorry meant a lot to me and she knew exactly what to say, or not, to irritate me. Ditching me on the 11th hour for a girlfriend was an old habit, she knew how to make up for it but I still hated it. Nonetheless it was still just us, no third wheel, just the two of us, we both loved the idea that people have tried to break us up but we were unbreakable, I fear we spoke to soon and jinxed ourselves, of everything that could break us up I never thought it could be a girl, I didn’t  (still don’t and never will) like her girlfriend for many reasons but again I always struggled to like her girlfriends (though I ended up good friends with some) because of many reasons I won’t admit even to this paper. This girl was different; she just didn’t sit well with my tits also for many reasons I sure am not going to put on this page (that’s only because you will judge me) but she is the mother of our break up. I suppose my not liking her got in between us a bit but I did pretend to like her to my friend and she believed it, so the habits I hated were tripled in fact, promises broken, ditched always, sorry nonexistent, I was okay but I refused to be made feel insignificant just so their love could blossom. It wasn’t a choice but it’s not comforting to know that I still wasn’t chosen, I could never ask her to choose, there is nothing to choose from, girlfriends and friends are on different scales of life and therefore incomparable but the neglect I felt from her proved otherwise, she had to now ask for permission to hang with me, couldn’t come over at my place because her girlfriend wouldn’t approve, what’s to approve of? We were friends well before she knew you existed. Anyway I didnt’t realize how much I didn’t miss my friend that much until yesterday, when someone asked me where she is and if we are still happening. Pride aside but I will not go back to someone who’s made me feel like a nuisance just for wanting to hang out with her, I am not 16 anymore.