Every
day I think of you. Pray for you, almost pray to you asking you to make things
happen for me, maybe it's because I feel you are closer to the source of my
answers, that's what my grandma told me.
Every
day I smile because of you, you have made a habit of visiting my thoughts,
sometimes it hurts as thoughts of you are the only connection I have with you
I
talk about you to my friends, brag about your greatness; tell them how much of
life you have taught me
Still
can't come to terms with the fact that you no longer are accessible to me, that
no technology can connect me to you, denial is the only way of keeping you
alive.
You
left too soon, before I got my first salary, just a few months before I could
take you out, buy you a jersey since you hated the cold, buy you a packet of
cigarettes and buy you a carton of umqombothi.
Every
day I wish you were here, in every storm I wish you were there to talk me into
holding on, sometimes I feel lonely, sometimes I feel scared, I have no father
to run to because you left me.
Without
a warning you up and left and left no letter of explanation, never knew if you
fought to stay, I saw life drain life off of you but still you should have
stayed just so you can tell me how proud of me you are.
I
was there when you laid on that bed fighting for your life, walked miles from
school just to see that you still were there, just to make sure they gave you
something to eat, gave you water to drink and bathed you but you neglected to
tell me you wouldn't fight any longer, did you even fight?
I
have grown, a woman now, I think you’d be proud if you saw me, maybe you do see
me and are proud; I have so many questions, no one to tell me wise words, so
much confused I am. Mommy can't teach me about women as much as you would,
sometimes I mess up good relationships because I don't always know how to hold
on and how to spot something good, sometimes I need tips on how to ask for
forgiveness when I have erred when words aren't enough. Sometimes I just want
tips on how to care and respect women better and sometimes I need a pat on the
shoulder when I have done well. Sometimes I want to sit in your presence, do my
work while you tell me to stop fighting with my younger brother; you always
hated it when we fought.
Sometimes
I wish you'd show yourself, just to confirm that you are looking after me, that
you haven't completely left me, all I need is a sign (nothing drastic as I will
probably run away), just something small to show that you still care and that I
am still your favourite daughter.
Daddy, are you warm there?