The rollercoaster bitter sweet life

I look at my life as it is now, for what it is, how I want it to be and I'm thankful it no longer is what it used to be and no longer located in that place of despair, shame and pain anymore. I have completely moved away from self-destructive thoughts, I have come to completely understand who, why, what, and how God really is in my life. I am prone to being trialled and tested but I have birthed within me a Job perspective, that mentality that believes in my shepherd without question, knowing that one day when he pleases and how he pleases he will lead me to the Promised Land like he did Lot.

As un-pretty as I sometimes feel I know that I am not completely gruesome. As fat as I always feel I know that I am not obese, people don't look at me and go yikes, so I'm not entirely unattractive I have with success convinced myself. Never really know what people mean when they say they've come far and without interrogating this common statement any further, I too believe I have come pretty far.

 I still get ' you have insufficient funds' from the ATM when I try and withdraw cash optimistically, I still get 'it's sold out, try next time' when I decide to get tickets beyond the deadline date, just taking my chances I was, I still get 'can we get you a bigger size Miss?', that's because they have small cuts on everything I always convince myself, I still get 'I'm not interested in fact you are not my type' when I try and chat up a lady, LOL Biatch I'm taken, just wanted to tell you to fix that wig it's about to fall, I still get "we are sorry but your application was unsuccessful, good luck in your future endeavours" when I apply for a job, after having gone through 3 fucken interviews, I still get 'is it true you said this about this to that?', lying fokon bitch, and I still get 'your hair is too short' when I try and get those braids I have always wanted, what a bummer!

My life isn't at all rose petals on a Queen’s bed, but it's taken its destined path I think. Not at all there yet but my bucket of faith is still full and will be refilled whenever the necessity becomes relevant. I know that where I am today is nowhere close to where I want to be but the drive there is eventful and worthwhile. I will take no shortcuts nor detours, will run this fated race without fail.