After Mother slaughtered herself as life had failed her, he took me in, the father who was never really mine
Helped me grow, he said he was pruning me for a moment greater than myself
That when that moment comes, I mustn't question him
Grew breasts, he grew different
saw him staring at my bosom, he said I was beautiful, uttered words he found pleasing to him, words I gathered I was too young to understand
Adorned my face with makeup, covered my lips with gloss, combined my straight, dangling ear rings he helped me wear, said a lady is pretty
Said he was gonna show me off to his friends, I turned out better than he expected, he was my proud inventor he said, his prized possession he labelled me
That dark night he came in my room to sing me a lullaby, never was a singer but he said he planned this night all his life so he sang in celebration
Mystified I asked the reason for the need to sing me a lullaby when he never did so in the past, what was this that he deemed worthy to be celebrated, never was he able to answer direct questions, as anticipated he had no answer
He said we looked good together just the way he had imagined it, as good as they looked with mother, she was such a disappointment though he said, was never pretty like I was, I had to do what mother failed to do, he commanded
What he expected of me to do remained uncovered, I figured it would be a learn as you go process but nothing about it was comforting
Felt the rising of hair, the cold of the skin, tears in my eyes as he leaned closer to teach me
Told me to relax it wouldn't hurt, I needed to flow he again commanded
It was time to taste what he helped cook he said boastfully
He as if he derived pleasure kissed me, felt his tongue inside my mouth, I vomited
Cleaned me up and said I needed to behave
As if I was expected to respond he touched me, touched me in ways that would drive the pastor to his knees I cried
Felt all alone, felt betrayed, nothing about what was being done to me was worth any form of smile let alone a celebration
Relax and trust him he said I must
Said he was pruning me for such a time, for womanhood he prepared me, I owed him my existence he said
Said the first time would hurt but it will be better next time if I'm a good girl
Spit in my delicate place, said he liked it wet
He climbed on me, as if he was possessed, grabbed me, as if I was supposed to feel anything, he commanded me to follow his lead
Ladies know how to move he said, asked me to mimic his moves
He inserted a thing that was in him within me and I cried
Screamed for help yet no one would hear
He kept breathing heavy on me as if I was a meal he's been waiting for
As if I should feel proud, he patted me on the shoulder, saying next time will be better, next time I should be better, he wasn't upset with me but next time I should be better he said